Some obligated reviews
May. 21st, 2011 10:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6950307/1/
Hm. The bit with the Joy was clever - I was making wild assumptions about the character being insane or from some weird background, and all it is is mistaken identity. Not knowing about the Joys and Jennies does kind of bug me though. I know it's canon Ash didn't know but it's never made sense that someone would be oblivious to something so major. It'd have still worked if they just assumed it was the Viridian one on sight, then relaxed when they learned they were in Pewter.
...and then she cut her hair without remembering it, so she does seem to have some sort of issue. Huh.
And so she was poisoned, which explains that, but apparently she has some pokemon she's lost that she doesn't remember?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6950307/3/Indy
Well, an interesting setup, for sure. I'm not sure of the safety of traveling without pokemon - it does seem to be standard - but then, it does seem that most areas are clear enough for an attempt at least, especially with all the trainers around. And her reason for going on a journey is a good one.
I find her relationship with her brother a bit worrisome - being so concerned about what he'd think just because she was in the same area is somewhat weird. She does generally seem a bit weird, and it's interesting to watch her character develop.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6708517/1/Fighting_Dragons_With_You
[A wave of nostalgia passed Misty as she walked down the path. The light of the streetlamp illuminated the blue shutters. ]
Your sentence structure is choppy. These feel like incomplete thoughts.
[Crossing her arms under her shawl, ]
...people still wear those? And Misty, of all people? We see her in jackets.
[ she wondered to herself, has it really been this long? ]
Thoughts follow the same capitalization rules as dialogue.
Ah, aged up fic. The characters never really sound like themselves. There's always this weird combination of preserved in amber traits that you can recognize despite the fact it's nearly a decade later and they should have changed a lot and different behavior that makes them feel OOC or just like an OC sharing the name.
["Yeah, but we were, like, ten."
"Eleven," she corrected.]
...no, preeeeeeetty sure it was ten.
[tellme ]
Spellcheck should've caught that.
Is there a particular reason Misty can't just say she likes him and ask him if he wants to go out with her, anyway? I can grant it back when she's a kid but it's been a while now, plus he just said his reasons for not having a girlfriend and none of them involved disliking her or liking someone else. That whole conversation strikes me as overly long as well - things just shouldn't need to be spelled out so much.
I sort of wish this was done with OCs. They seem likeable enough people, but the combination of the personality changes of such a big time jump and the fact you're relying on the fact people already know them to do half the lifting for your characterization make for a rather incomplete feeling.
I've never quite seen the point in most Pokemon fanfic that's not about pokemon, so this does seem rather boring to me. The party's decently written and the bit with Ash talking about the dragons itself is nice, though.
Hm. The bit with the Joy was clever - I was making wild assumptions about the character being insane or from some weird background, and all it is is mistaken identity. Not knowing about the Joys and Jennies does kind of bug me though. I know it's canon Ash didn't know but it's never made sense that someone would be oblivious to something so major. It'd have still worked if they just assumed it was the Viridian one on sight, then relaxed when they learned they were in Pewter.
...and then she cut her hair without remembering it, so she does seem to have some sort of issue. Huh.
And so she was poisoned, which explains that, but apparently she has some pokemon she's lost that she doesn't remember?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6950307/3/Indy
Well, an interesting setup, for sure. I'm not sure of the safety of traveling without pokemon - it does seem to be standard - but then, it does seem that most areas are clear enough for an attempt at least, especially with all the trainers around. And her reason for going on a journey is a good one.
I find her relationship with her brother a bit worrisome - being so concerned about what he'd think just because she was in the same area is somewhat weird. She does generally seem a bit weird, and it's interesting to watch her character develop.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6708517/1/Fighting_Dragons_With_You
[A wave of nostalgia passed Misty as she walked down the path. The light of the streetlamp illuminated the blue shutters. ]
Your sentence structure is choppy. These feel like incomplete thoughts.
[Crossing her arms under her shawl, ]
...people still wear those? And Misty, of all people? We see her in jackets.
[ she wondered to herself, has it really been this long? ]
Thoughts follow the same capitalization rules as dialogue.
Ah, aged up fic. The characters never really sound like themselves. There's always this weird combination of preserved in amber traits that you can recognize despite the fact it's nearly a decade later and they should have changed a lot and different behavior that makes them feel OOC or just like an OC sharing the name.
["Yeah, but we were, like, ten."
"Eleven," she corrected.]
...no, preeeeeeetty sure it was ten.
[tellme ]
Spellcheck should've caught that.
Is there a particular reason Misty can't just say she likes him and ask him if he wants to go out with her, anyway? I can grant it back when she's a kid but it's been a while now, plus he just said his reasons for not having a girlfriend and none of them involved disliking her or liking someone else. That whole conversation strikes me as overly long as well - things just shouldn't need to be spelled out so much.
I sort of wish this was done with OCs. They seem likeable enough people, but the combination of the personality changes of such a big time jump and the fact you're relying on the fact people already know them to do half the lifting for your characterization make for a rather incomplete feeling.
I've never quite seen the point in most Pokemon fanfic that's not about pokemon, so this does seem rather boring to me. The party's decently written and the bit with Ash talking about the dragons itself is nice, though.
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Re: Hmm.
Date: 2011-07-17 01:30 am (UTC)