NaRe, Day Thirteen
Dec. 13th, 2009 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaCurrently twenty-fire stories behind.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573881/1/Diachrony
Your writing is good but gets excessive in places. It's most noticeable early on, with "its stone made coarse in the light from the window beyond" seeming particularly awkward. The fight itself flowed much better. The final third also felt like it dragged a bit - the shift from the imagery-heavy writing made it seem rather bland, even though it seems fine in isolation. Overall, it's an interesting fic, so much I didn't even feel like launching into my usual grumblings about what ninja are. They really did feel like a viable clan.
Oh, and "It had to have been a long time since anyone bothered to read Lady Ryuuko”s words directly" somehow ended up with two apostrophes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573890/1/A_Trip_to_Brazil
"Also, they are older, so you might think they´re OOC, but hey, people change through the years, i can guarantee that myself. "
Saying "But they're older!" doesn't change the fact that if they're different enough to be OOC they're not the pokemon characters people want to read about when they look for fic about them, and might as well be OCs. Yes, people can change. No, that doesn't excuse writing OCs and calling them canon characters.
Also, like your story, your author's note needs to be proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
Anyway, this is too short to be a chapter, and similarly isn't really a story, just a summary of events.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573928/1/Evolution_of_a_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Uh, Pokemon already has pokemon that evolve into dragons. They're called dragon-types. More, the whole idea of real pokemon put in fake pokeballs that tie in with a "3-D game", whatever that's supposed to mean, to evolve, is incoherent. It's like saying I bought a special catfood dish for my cat as part of a computer game that makes my cat turn into a lion that actually turns my cat into a lion.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Seriously, stop capitalizing random words.
Scratch that, everything about is incoherent.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574330/1/Shadow_Hearts
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It was better than his device which would learn and return all pokemon attacks. "
...how is "able to control pokemon you catch" better than "machine that can use every attack ever and can be mass produced in a factory"?
"However, there was one problem with them: the devices would only listen to his voice command."
If you're making a device, you have to program it to obey a particular voice. Therefore, you could do the same thing to add a new voice. Technology is not interchangeable with magic, it will not have random quirks for no reason.
You jump between past and present tense.
"Someone who had been a thorn in his side for far too long."
...seriously?
"He wasn't an easy catch, as he had foiled many of those fools, Jessie and James's plots over time."
Isn't there a logical contradiction here?
"this is how he would get rid of Ash Ketchum once and for all."
USE A GUN.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574337/1/Because_of_You
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
Anyway, the writing of this is decent but could stand to be better polished, as it comes off rather dry currently.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574386/1/Dannys_Adventures_Mystery_Dungeon_Arc
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and why would a pikachu be using electric moves against a ground type in the first place?
"but danny"
Proofread.
...your writing style is incredibly tiresome. I think it has something to do with how you don't seem particularly interested in the events and are spending half the narrative dismissing the idea that any of this could possibly matter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574455/1/Little_Red_Riding_Charmander
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Similarly, you shouldn't capitalize any other random words, like "your Grandma".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, "I rewrite a old story but with random threats and slang LOL" was never funny and is certainly not a parody.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574788/1/Eevees_Seven_Sisters
This is inane and you should have used spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574979/1/The_Cap
Uh, people often wear the same hat every day. There are many areas to complain about why characters dress exactly the same every day, but wearing a hat they happen to like is one of those.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575014/1/Guardians
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"His ideal world seemed sill and incompetent. "
Proofread.
"He had kindness in his heart, and he did not want to put evil into the balance of the world. He decided to make two different ways of balancing this. He created humans, in which he put the evil, and Pokémon, which in he put good. "
So he didn't want evil in the balance, so he put evil in in such a way it'd be balanced?
"“Who thy die by side thou Pokémon will be separated from thou evil unto temptation. Thy Pokémon will forever guard thee, bound by more than mind.” "
I can't make heads or tails of what this is supposed to mean.
"My silk blue dress wasn’t helping either. "
"our village often had what I would learn later on was called ‘infant mortality’ because of malnutrition"
So they don't have food, but they not only have silk, but _blue dye_?
"Our parents had no say in anything, only the parental guardians."
So if they're actually so different, why don't they just say the pokemon are the parent in the first place?
"Princess Rosalyn"
They're in a village with abysmal infant mortality, but they have a princess in addition to blue dye and silk dresses?
Uh, I hardly think directly contradicting their entire belief system would lead to speechlessness. It's not like he's saying anything shocking or thought provoking, it's just "the things you teach are good are actually evil!!1!"
"The palace sits in the middle of the village surrounded by a beautiful garden with statues of Pokémon. It was slightly more elegant than the rest of the housing, with gold painted walls and floors with a lush gold carpet said to be woven from Arceus himself. It had at least 30 rooms, with many of them dining rooms, kitchens and entertainment rooms which contained board games, cards and dolls for me. My room, on request, was the smallest. It was the attic, with windows on both sides of the slanted roof to let sunlight stream in, but the roof did not let in any sun because I was always outside at the middle of the day. My bed was what I’d nickname ‘Princess Size’ because it was smaller than my mother’s ‘Queen Size’ and my father’s ‘Kings Size’. It has the finest Mareep wool in the bedding, and silky quilts made from gold essence. "
This is the same "small village surrounded by a mountainous terrain thrives like any other ‘un-civilised’ villages"? Because villages don't work that way. (Neither do beds.)
"hoping we could all one day live away from this uncivilised place."
I think you're unclear on what "civilized" means.
Also, why does he keep going on about escaping? There's been no sign whatsoever that people are being kept from leaving.
"I always wondered if I could find this man, he intrigued me. But I could not understand the address until now "
...So she found a letter written by someone she knows isn't in the village, in something manmade that the village can't produce (because they can build thirty-room mansions but glass bottles are beyond them), and she seriously always believed that they're the only people in existence? What, is there lead in the water there?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575050/1/Satire
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"the raven-haired male lowers his eyes with reluctance, unable to look at the blonde. The Munchlax and Grotle loitering at his still feet decide it be best to take their consumption of rice biscuits somewhere else. They abandon their posts as the boy clad the orange, white-striped shirt marches up to his dear companion, his comedic comrade, his true compatriot. "
Ugh. Just use their names, and stop trying to use the longest synonym you can find in the thesaurus.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575039/1/Countdown_of_Christmas
...poetry is slightly more complex than just writing short, disconnected sentence fragments and centering them. Also, don't put author's notes in your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575336/1/goodbye_maybe_not
Your terrible grammar makes your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575873/1/A_Fitted_Rival
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576141/1/Legend_of_the_Silver_Feather
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Also, your grammar is abysmal, and dialogue should end in punctuation every time, not just when you happen to feel like it. And that punctuation should never be outside the quotation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576176/1/Cold
Songfics are banned. Songfics with the song in a different language than the fic are just a horrible horrible idea.
Don't capitalize random words.
Don't use " for thoughts.
Write it out as "okay".
Your grammar is generally abysmal. If you're terrible at it find someone else to proofread for you.
Oh god you're using - for dialogue. You don't do that in English. It's incredibly jarring.
And don't put author's notes inside the story text.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576478/1/Smoke
You're missing punctuation all over the place. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576485/1/A_Rose_For_Who
Rushed, forced, don't put author's notes in your story, don't say "sweatdropped", proofread better.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576504/1/The_Last_Stand
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Seraphina "Sery" Heike loves Pokémon, but has only been able to read about them thanks to her seriously overprotective parents. Now she's fifteen and still hasn't gone on her journey. "
No.
This exact excuse has been done many times before, and it was not any better then. This like parents deciding their kid needs to stay home an extra five years before they can start kindergarten. If everyone starts at ten, no one is going to think starting at ten is weird and means their kid is going to die horribly. More, there is no sign parents have any say in it to start with.
"That's right, I'm fifteen years old and I've never seen a real Pokémon in my life."
Why, is she locked inside a building and never let out?
...and her friend and everyone else has pokemon, and, what, her parents follow behind her whenever she meets them to make sure none of them show her a pokemon?
"Once I hit the ground, I began jogging north, as I live in the south-eastern end of town. I was heading towards the Safari Zone. I can read your thoughts and it's not what you think. You see, every night after the Zone has closed down, a group of employees go and recapture all the Pokémon, who are kept in the basement until about two hours before the Zone reopens around eight a.m. I've been inspecting the locks on the first floor windows these past few weeks and I know exactly how to open them. I also know there is no alarm system as everyone thinks all the Pokémon are left outside to their own devices until captured by a trainer. "
Alternatively, she could have gone outside one day, walked over to the Safari Zone, and bought a pass. After catching a pokemon or thirty, she could then, in nice, pleasant daylight, have kept on walking.
This is without even bringing up how insane it is that people would bother recapturing pokemon that are kept in a locked area every night, why no one but her would know this, why they were utterly certain no one would ever figure it out even though all the employees know, and how she (and she alone) managed to figure out all this without ever glimpsing a live pokemon. Or how this means you went absurdly out of your way to avoid having her breaking into the Safari Zone itself when that would have been roughly a thousand times more interesting to read about.
"I was honestly astounded and somewhat disgusted. Don't you think it's cruel to give these Pokémon the ability to be outside and taste freedom only to snatch it away time after time? "
WATCH ME OBJECT TO NORMAL THINGS IN MY WORLD BECAUSE I ALONE AM SPECIAL ENOUGH TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
ALSO WATCH ME BE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE AS SOON AS I GET MY OWN POKEMON, BUT THAT'LL BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS.
"At the beach, my best (and only) friend was waiting for me, just as we had planned. Unlike myself, Corsetta "Cory" Decima had actually gone on her journey. She helped me onto her Lapras before following me up."
Another thing that she could have tried if she wasn't both stupid and insane would be to say to her friend, "Hey, could you catch me a wild pokemon, which are generally found in abundance throughout the world we live in, or alternatively loan me one of yours?"
Also, I like how despite how she's NEVER SEEN A POKEMON EVER BEFORE she's not particularly caring that she's climbing onto a pokemon or showing any interest in seeing what pokemon she's got, or letting the poor cruelly confined whatever-it-is out.
"I had booked the earliest trip available and my boat was due to set sail in less than twenty minutes"
She started this whole insane affair at one in the morning. Exactly how many boats set sail at two or three AM? Yet again, leaving during the day would actually make sense.
"I boarded with only the single pokéball I had stolen and the unknown Pokémon it contained in my possession."
BECAUSE SURE I'VE NEVER SEEN A POKEMON BEFORE AND LOVE THEM SO MUCH I'M WILLING TO DISOBEY MY PARENTS, STEAL ONE AND RUN OFF, BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ACTUALLY SEEING WHATEVER IS IT, RIGHT? OR LETTING IT OUT FROM ITS CRUEL AND TERRIBLE CONFINEMENT THAT DISGUSTS ME SO MUCH.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
In conclusion:
No, trainers start at ten.
No, you can't live in a world full of pokemon without ever seeing one any more than you could live your whole life never seeing animals outside of a book.
No, it is not that incredibly hard to get a pokemon, especially if you're right next to a business designed around letting people catch pokemon.
No, stop having your character go on about how regular parts of her world offend her.
No, if you want a fifteen year old just start with an established trainer.
No, seriously, you need to actually think things through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576660/1/Time_To_Kill
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Anyway, I think the concept of the story is an interesting one, but falls flat on the execution. Alakazam are the final stage of a pokemon that starts off unable to use a single offensive move, and require trading to evolve. So while they may be brilliant currently, odds are that a trainer's alakazam didn't start as one, and their bit about already always knowing how to use psychic moves is outright insane. Also, it generally requires a delicate touch to carry off a "You think you're in charge but you're really not", especially when the explanation is that they're doing everything we want when we want it, but happen to be feeling really smug about it the whole time. Plus, so much of what they say doesn't apply to other pokemon, so humans are presumably still masters of them if those pokemon are obeying, meaning the whole bit about being so deluded seems bizarre - most trainers won't even have an alakazam. So any examination just sort of leads to the idea that the alakazam are deluding themselves, except that doesn't make sense either because this story makes a perfectly good case that alakazam, at least, are perfectly able to go to something else if they wanted and so shouldn't need to make excuses.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576844/1/The_Heavens_Upon_his_Shoulders
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
If he's so uninterested in the riolu, then why'd he get an egg and sit around waiting for it to hatch? Where'd he get a riolu?
Why, if the riolu is sick and miserable there, and so disgusted by him, and fears him so much, and is fantasying about being somewhere else, and absolutely hates being put inside the pokeball by him, does it immediately try to latch onto him as soon as he tries to get rid of it and decide the girl is evil? It seems like you're just saying it's miserable each step of the way by fiat.
Your writing itself is decent but your plotting really needs work.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576912/1/A_Break_in_The_Bleak
This, like so many, is original fiction. Mildly overwritten original fiction at that. It doesn't become pokemon fanfic just because in your story about lying on a beach you claim the kid's Ash.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576943/1/Lifes_a_Game
Your title needs to be punctuated properly.
Generally, hot soil is lighter, not darker. The sun is drying it, not burning it.
"This girl is Alexza Salamis Namiigai. Recent champion of the Kanto and Johto regions. "
Avoid sentence fragments.
Avoid insane names.
Also, avoid jumping in tense.
I do give you credit for having both an established trainer and having her be established at age twelve, as I'm sick of fifteen year old newbies.
But why exactly was it so important she travel right then when the heat is so bad she's unable to see straight?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
I do like the second half of this - it's nicely evocative, and also just good to see a trainer focused on doing something instead of a standard badge quest.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576943/2/Lifes_a_Game
And my, your grammar seems to have taken a nose dive, as has your descriptive ability. Don't just churn something out and post it. Description is especially important in a pokemon battle, as "Order!" Attack is not particularly interesting in text. Generally if you're alternating single sentences like you are here, it's boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576976/1/Gym_Leader_Journey
"You'll all see Miroku in this story too, but here he's given a different personality based off another part of myself and a different appearance. "
Well, that's worrisome.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Don't do stuff like "*4 days ago at Blackthorn City* " it's just annoying. If you desperately want people to know, work it into the narration. Alternatively, you could try assuming your readers aren't total morons and can at least figure out that if something's happening with the Blackthorn gym leader hanging out in the cave at Blackthorn, it's probably taking place there.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And for the love of god don't do stuff like "ossan".
Oh, yeah, and your self-insert is a total sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577040/1/Slow_Down
"Then, as everyone had anticipated, rain began to fall in silent drops, one by one, before finally turning into a downpour as torrents of rain pelted the roofs of houses and buildings in the normally sunny little town. As the storm quickly approached and lightning began to flash overhead, everyone in Celestic Town quickly ran for their homes. "
...so everyone realizes it's going to rain. Then they hang out and watch as it starts raining, then becomes a downpour, and only when there's actual lightning do they realize they need to try going inside.
Boys are blond, not blonde.
Also, stories about how people can't do stuff they wanted to do because it's raining tend to be boring.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And your use of honorifics is extremely annoying. If you're just calling everyone -san, then you might as well just skip it entirely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577249/1/According_to_You
Songfic are banned. This is because songfics are terrible.
In addition, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
And this is original fiction that would belong on fictionpress did they not have a similar policy regarding songfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577307/1/Psyche
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Though not as big as Gold’s Typlosion was, nor as strong – the Cyndaquil’s egg had been a gift from Gold, one he had apparently found at the Daycare Center. "
This isn't a sentence.
A slow opening, but the plot does look interesting, and your writing is mostly decent mechanically, although you really should work more at it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577418/1/Nature_is_as_Nature_Does
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Anyone with half a brain could tell that she was sick."
This really doesn't fit with the rest of the narration.
Anyway, while this does raise an often overlooked point, if you're trying to highlight that nature can be vicious, treating capture as a big deal because it dooms her young doesn't work well. Her young would also be doomed if something killed and ate her, or if something decided to kill and eat them while she was away, or if she doesn't get enough to eat and can't produce milk, or if the illness ends up killing them after all. Being particularly upset at the vulpix/vulpix's trainer doesn't seem reasonable in that context.
Also, it doesn't seem like the rattata made any effort to flee. She thinks it, then gets hit by an attack and ends up fighting. It's possible you mean for the use of quick attack to indicate that the rattata can't escape, but for one thing that's could have been made clearer (perhaps by having her actually attempt to flee and get cut off) and for another, rattata also know quick attack, and at a pretty low level.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577509/1/Electrons
Don't write nonsense and then a translation next to it, just write the translation.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577884/1/Letters_from_Daniel
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And ugh, more "the legendaries are exactly like people. Very, very boring people." stuff. I suppose your grammar is decent enough. That's something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573881/1/Diachrony
Your writing is good but gets excessive in places. It's most noticeable early on, with "its stone made coarse in the light from the window beyond" seeming particularly awkward. The fight itself flowed much better. The final third also felt like it dragged a bit - the shift from the imagery-heavy writing made it seem rather bland, even though it seems fine in isolation. Overall, it's an interesting fic, so much I didn't even feel like launching into my usual grumblings about what ninja are. They really did feel like a viable clan.
Oh, and "It had to have been a long time since anyone bothered to read Lady Ryuuko”s words directly" somehow ended up with two apostrophes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573890/1/A_Trip_to_Brazil
"Also, they are older, so you might think they´re OOC, but hey, people change through the years, i can guarantee that myself. "
Saying "But they're older!" doesn't change the fact that if they're different enough to be OOC they're not the pokemon characters people want to read about when they look for fic about them, and might as well be OCs. Yes, people can change. No, that doesn't excuse writing OCs and calling them canon characters.
Also, like your story, your author's note needs to be proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
Anyway, this is too short to be a chapter, and similarly isn't really a story, just a summary of events.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573928/1/Evolution_of_a_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Uh, Pokemon already has pokemon that evolve into dragons. They're called dragon-types. More, the whole idea of real pokemon put in fake pokeballs that tie in with a "3-D game", whatever that's supposed to mean, to evolve, is incoherent. It's like saying I bought a special catfood dish for my cat as part of a computer game that makes my cat turn into a lion that actually turns my cat into a lion.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Seriously, stop capitalizing random words.
Scratch that, everything about is incoherent.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574330/1/Shadow_Hearts
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It was better than his device which would learn and return all pokemon attacks. "
...how is "able to control pokemon you catch" better than "machine that can use every attack ever and can be mass produced in a factory"?
"However, there was one problem with them: the devices would only listen to his voice command."
If you're making a device, you have to program it to obey a particular voice. Therefore, you could do the same thing to add a new voice. Technology is not interchangeable with magic, it will not have random quirks for no reason.
You jump between past and present tense.
"Someone who had been a thorn in his side for far too long."
...seriously?
"He wasn't an easy catch, as he had foiled many of those fools, Jessie and James's plots over time."
Isn't there a logical contradiction here?
"this is how he would get rid of Ash Ketchum once and for all."
USE A GUN.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574337/1/Because_of_You
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
Anyway, the writing of this is decent but could stand to be better polished, as it comes off rather dry currently.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574386/1/Dannys_Adventures_Mystery_Dungeon_Arc
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and why would a pikachu be using electric moves against a ground type in the first place?
"but danny"
Proofread.
...your writing style is incredibly tiresome. I think it has something to do with how you don't seem particularly interested in the events and are spending half the narrative dismissing the idea that any of this could possibly matter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574455/1/Little_Red_Riding_Charmander
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Similarly, you shouldn't capitalize any other random words, like "your Grandma".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, "I rewrite a old story but with random threats and slang LOL" was never funny and is certainly not a parody.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574788/1/Eevees_Seven_Sisters
This is inane and you should have used spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5574979/1/The_Cap
Uh, people often wear the same hat every day. There are many areas to complain about why characters dress exactly the same every day, but wearing a hat they happen to like is one of those.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575014/1/Guardians
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"His ideal world seemed sill and incompetent. "
Proofread.
"He had kindness in his heart, and he did not want to put evil into the balance of the world. He decided to make two different ways of balancing this. He created humans, in which he put the evil, and Pokémon, which in he put good. "
So he didn't want evil in the balance, so he put evil in in such a way it'd be balanced?
"“Who thy die by side thou Pokémon will be separated from thou evil unto temptation. Thy Pokémon will forever guard thee, bound by more than mind.” "
I can't make heads or tails of what this is supposed to mean.
"My silk blue dress wasn’t helping either. "
"our village often had what I would learn later on was called ‘infant mortality’ because of malnutrition"
So they don't have food, but they not only have silk, but _blue dye_?
"Our parents had no say in anything, only the parental guardians."
So if they're actually so different, why don't they just say the pokemon are the parent in the first place?
"Princess Rosalyn"
They're in a village with abysmal infant mortality, but they have a princess in addition to blue dye and silk dresses?
Uh, I hardly think directly contradicting their entire belief system would lead to speechlessness. It's not like he's saying anything shocking or thought provoking, it's just "the things you teach are good are actually evil!!1!"
"The palace sits in the middle of the village surrounded by a beautiful garden with statues of Pokémon. It was slightly more elegant than the rest of the housing, with gold painted walls and floors with a lush gold carpet said to be woven from Arceus himself. It had at least 30 rooms, with many of them dining rooms, kitchens and entertainment rooms which contained board games, cards and dolls for me. My room, on request, was the smallest. It was the attic, with windows on both sides of the slanted roof to let sunlight stream in, but the roof did not let in any sun because I was always outside at the middle of the day. My bed was what I’d nickname ‘Princess Size’ because it was smaller than my mother’s ‘Queen Size’ and my father’s ‘Kings Size’. It has the finest Mareep wool in the bedding, and silky quilts made from gold essence. "
This is the same "small village surrounded by a mountainous terrain thrives like any other ‘un-civilised’ villages"? Because villages don't work that way. (Neither do beds.)
"hoping we could all one day live away from this uncivilised place."
I think you're unclear on what "civilized" means.
Also, why does he keep going on about escaping? There's been no sign whatsoever that people are being kept from leaving.
"I always wondered if I could find this man, he intrigued me. But I could not understand the address until now "
...So she found a letter written by someone she knows isn't in the village, in something manmade that the village can't produce (because they can build thirty-room mansions but glass bottles are beyond them), and she seriously always believed that they're the only people in existence? What, is there lead in the water there?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575050/1/Satire
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"the raven-haired male lowers his eyes with reluctance, unable to look at the blonde. The Munchlax and Grotle loitering at his still feet decide it be best to take their consumption of rice biscuits somewhere else. They abandon their posts as the boy clad the orange, white-striped shirt marches up to his dear companion, his comedic comrade, his true compatriot. "
Ugh. Just use their names, and stop trying to use the longest synonym you can find in the thesaurus.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575039/1/Countdown_of_Christmas
...poetry is slightly more complex than just writing short, disconnected sentence fragments and centering them. Also, don't put author's notes in your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575336/1/goodbye_maybe_not
Your terrible grammar makes your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5575873/1/A_Fitted_Rival
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576141/1/Legend_of_the_Silver_Feather
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Also, your grammar is abysmal, and dialogue should end in punctuation every time, not just when you happen to feel like it. And that punctuation should never be outside the quotation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576176/1/Cold
Songfics are banned. Songfics with the song in a different language than the fic are just a horrible horrible idea.
Don't capitalize random words.
Don't use " for thoughts.
Write it out as "okay".
Your grammar is generally abysmal. If you're terrible at it find someone else to proofread for you.
Oh god you're using - for dialogue. You don't do that in English. It's incredibly jarring.
And don't put author's notes inside the story text.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576478/1/Smoke
You're missing punctuation all over the place. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576485/1/A_Rose_For_Who
Rushed, forced, don't put author's notes in your story, don't say "sweatdropped", proofread better.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576504/1/The_Last_Stand
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Seraphina "Sery" Heike loves Pokémon, but has only been able to read about them thanks to her seriously overprotective parents. Now she's fifteen and still hasn't gone on her journey. "
No.
This exact excuse has been done many times before, and it was not any better then. This like parents deciding their kid needs to stay home an extra five years before they can start kindergarten. If everyone starts at ten, no one is going to think starting at ten is weird and means their kid is going to die horribly. More, there is no sign parents have any say in it to start with.
"That's right, I'm fifteen years old and I've never seen a real Pokémon in my life."
Why, is she locked inside a building and never let out?
...and her friend and everyone else has pokemon, and, what, her parents follow behind her whenever she meets them to make sure none of them show her a pokemon?
"Once I hit the ground, I began jogging north, as I live in the south-eastern end of town. I was heading towards the Safari Zone. I can read your thoughts and it's not what you think. You see, every night after the Zone has closed down, a group of employees go and recapture all the Pokémon, who are kept in the basement until about two hours before the Zone reopens around eight a.m. I've been inspecting the locks on the first floor windows these past few weeks and I know exactly how to open them. I also know there is no alarm system as everyone thinks all the Pokémon are left outside to their own devices until captured by a trainer. "
Alternatively, she could have gone outside one day, walked over to the Safari Zone, and bought a pass. After catching a pokemon or thirty, she could then, in nice, pleasant daylight, have kept on walking.
This is without even bringing up how insane it is that people would bother recapturing pokemon that are kept in a locked area every night, why no one but her would know this, why they were utterly certain no one would ever figure it out even though all the employees know, and how she (and she alone) managed to figure out all this without ever glimpsing a live pokemon. Or how this means you went absurdly out of your way to avoid having her breaking into the Safari Zone itself when that would have been roughly a thousand times more interesting to read about.
"I was honestly astounded and somewhat disgusted. Don't you think it's cruel to give these Pokémon the ability to be outside and taste freedom only to snatch it away time after time? "
WATCH ME OBJECT TO NORMAL THINGS IN MY WORLD BECAUSE I ALONE AM SPECIAL ENOUGH TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
ALSO WATCH ME BE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE AS SOON AS I GET MY OWN POKEMON, BUT THAT'LL BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS.
"At the beach, my best (and only) friend was waiting for me, just as we had planned. Unlike myself, Corsetta "Cory" Decima had actually gone on her journey. She helped me onto her Lapras before following me up."
Another thing that she could have tried if she wasn't both stupid and insane would be to say to her friend, "Hey, could you catch me a wild pokemon, which are generally found in abundance throughout the world we live in, or alternatively loan me one of yours?"
Also, I like how despite how she's NEVER SEEN A POKEMON EVER BEFORE she's not particularly caring that she's climbing onto a pokemon or showing any interest in seeing what pokemon she's got, or letting the poor cruelly confined whatever-it-is out.
"I had booked the earliest trip available and my boat was due to set sail in less than twenty minutes"
She started this whole insane affair at one in the morning. Exactly how many boats set sail at two or three AM? Yet again, leaving during the day would actually make sense.
"I boarded with only the single pokéball I had stolen and the unknown Pokémon it contained in my possession."
BECAUSE SURE I'VE NEVER SEEN A POKEMON BEFORE AND LOVE THEM SO MUCH I'M WILLING TO DISOBEY MY PARENTS, STEAL ONE AND RUN OFF, BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ACTUALLY SEEING WHATEVER IS IT, RIGHT? OR LETTING IT OUT FROM ITS CRUEL AND TERRIBLE CONFINEMENT THAT DISGUSTS ME SO MUCH.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
In conclusion:
No, trainers start at ten.
No, you can't live in a world full of pokemon without ever seeing one any more than you could live your whole life never seeing animals outside of a book.
No, it is not that incredibly hard to get a pokemon, especially if you're right next to a business designed around letting people catch pokemon.
No, stop having your character go on about how regular parts of her world offend her.
No, if you want a fifteen year old just start with an established trainer.
No, seriously, you need to actually think things through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576660/1/Time_To_Kill
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Anyway, I think the concept of the story is an interesting one, but falls flat on the execution. Alakazam are the final stage of a pokemon that starts off unable to use a single offensive move, and require trading to evolve. So while they may be brilliant currently, odds are that a trainer's alakazam didn't start as one, and their bit about already always knowing how to use psychic moves is outright insane. Also, it generally requires a delicate touch to carry off a "You think you're in charge but you're really not", especially when the explanation is that they're doing everything we want when we want it, but happen to be feeling really smug about it the whole time. Plus, so much of what they say doesn't apply to other pokemon, so humans are presumably still masters of them if those pokemon are obeying, meaning the whole bit about being so deluded seems bizarre - most trainers won't even have an alakazam. So any examination just sort of leads to the idea that the alakazam are deluding themselves, except that doesn't make sense either because this story makes a perfectly good case that alakazam, at least, are perfectly able to go to something else if they wanted and so shouldn't need to make excuses.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576844/1/The_Heavens_Upon_his_Shoulders
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
If he's so uninterested in the riolu, then why'd he get an egg and sit around waiting for it to hatch? Where'd he get a riolu?
Why, if the riolu is sick and miserable there, and so disgusted by him, and fears him so much, and is fantasying about being somewhere else, and absolutely hates being put inside the pokeball by him, does it immediately try to latch onto him as soon as he tries to get rid of it and decide the girl is evil? It seems like you're just saying it's miserable each step of the way by fiat.
Your writing itself is decent but your plotting really needs work.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576912/1/A_Break_in_The_Bleak
This, like so many, is original fiction. Mildly overwritten original fiction at that. It doesn't become pokemon fanfic just because in your story about lying on a beach you claim the kid's Ash.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576943/1/Lifes_a_Game
Your title needs to be punctuated properly.
Generally, hot soil is lighter, not darker. The sun is drying it, not burning it.
"This girl is Alexza Salamis Namiigai. Recent champion of the Kanto and Johto regions. "
Avoid sentence fragments.
Avoid insane names.
Also, avoid jumping in tense.
I do give you credit for having both an established trainer and having her be established at age twelve, as I'm sick of fifteen year old newbies.
But why exactly was it so important she travel right then when the heat is so bad she's unable to see straight?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
I do like the second half of this - it's nicely evocative, and also just good to see a trainer focused on doing something instead of a standard badge quest.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576943/2/Lifes_a_Game
And my, your grammar seems to have taken a nose dive, as has your descriptive ability. Don't just churn something out and post it. Description is especially important in a pokemon battle, as "Order!" Attack is not particularly interesting in text. Generally if you're alternating single sentences like you are here, it's boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5576976/1/Gym_Leader_Journey
"You'll all see Miroku in this story too, but here he's given a different personality based off another part of myself and a different appearance. "
Well, that's worrisome.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Don't do stuff like "*4 days ago at Blackthorn City* " it's just annoying. If you desperately want people to know, work it into the narration. Alternatively, you could try assuming your readers aren't total morons and can at least figure out that if something's happening with the Blackthorn gym leader hanging out in the cave at Blackthorn, it's probably taking place there.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And for the love of god don't do stuff like "ossan".
Oh, yeah, and your self-insert is a total sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577040/1/Slow_Down
"Then, as everyone had anticipated, rain began to fall in silent drops, one by one, before finally turning into a downpour as torrents of rain pelted the roofs of houses and buildings in the normally sunny little town. As the storm quickly approached and lightning began to flash overhead, everyone in Celestic Town quickly ran for their homes. "
...so everyone realizes it's going to rain. Then they hang out and watch as it starts raining, then becomes a downpour, and only when there's actual lightning do they realize they need to try going inside.
Boys are blond, not blonde.
Also, stories about how people can't do stuff they wanted to do because it's raining tend to be boring.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And your use of honorifics is extremely annoying. If you're just calling everyone -san, then you might as well just skip it entirely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577249/1/According_to_You
Songfic are banned. This is because songfics are terrible.
In addition, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
And this is original fiction that would belong on fictionpress did they not have a similar policy regarding songfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577307/1/Psyche
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Though not as big as Gold’s Typlosion was, nor as strong – the Cyndaquil’s egg had been a gift from Gold, one he had apparently found at the Daycare Center. "
This isn't a sentence.
A slow opening, but the plot does look interesting, and your writing is mostly decent mechanically, although you really should work more at it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577418/1/Nature_is_as_Nature_Does
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Anyone with half a brain could tell that she was sick."
This really doesn't fit with the rest of the narration.
Anyway, while this does raise an often overlooked point, if you're trying to highlight that nature can be vicious, treating capture as a big deal because it dooms her young doesn't work well. Her young would also be doomed if something killed and ate her, or if something decided to kill and eat them while she was away, or if she doesn't get enough to eat and can't produce milk, or if the illness ends up killing them after all. Being particularly upset at the vulpix/vulpix's trainer doesn't seem reasonable in that context.
Also, it doesn't seem like the rattata made any effort to flee. She thinks it, then gets hit by an attack and ends up fighting. It's possible you mean for the use of quick attack to indicate that the rattata can't escape, but for one thing that's could have been made clearer (perhaps by having her actually attempt to flee and get cut off) and for another, rattata also know quick attack, and at a pretty low level.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577509/1/Electrons
Don't write nonsense and then a translation next to it, just write the translation.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577884/1/Letters_from_Daniel
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And ugh, more "the legendaries are exactly like people. Very, very boring people." stuff. I suppose your grammar is decent enough. That's something.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Oh God these are amazing.
Date: 2009-12-14 05:16 am (UTC)"Who your die by side you Pokémon will be separated from you evil unto temptation. Your Pokémon will forever guard you, bound by more than mind."
So only six words of that whole mess actually fit together to form something coherent. This author must think that "thou" and its variants and possibly "unto" as well don't actually mean anything, but are just interjections used for flavor. Or possibly they thought because they don't understand Shakespeare that the whole point of Elizabethan English is to be incomprehensible.
I think you're unclear on what "civilized" means.
Duh-uh. It means they have internet and video games!
I now have a vision of a paranoid-schizophrenic upper-middle-class girl in modern America convinced that she's a barbarian princess receiving messages from a "more civilized" land and the only one aware of just how primitive the living conditions of her and everyone around her are.
Alexza
A silent z. That is completely indefensible. How much do you want to bet this girl is planning on naming her daughters things like Nykhole and Makynzy?
Songfics with the song in a different language than the fic are just a horrible horrible idea.
Don't capitalize random words.
Don't use " for thoughts.
[...]
Oh god you're using - for dialogue. You don't do that in English. It's incredibly jarring.
And don't put author's notes inside the story text.
Bad Decision Dinosaur writes fanfiction.
Rushed, forced, don't put author's notes in your story, don't say "sweatdropped", proofread better.
Bit of a breakdown, Farla?
ALSO WATCH ME BE A TOTAL HYPOCRITE AS SOON AS I GET MY OWN POKEMON, BUT THAT'LL BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS.
Isn't it awesome when the canon sets precedents for bad storytelling?
"goodbye maybe not" has got to be my favorite of this batch, though, because it has misplaced modifiers, which are just my favorite thing ever! Ash's hair is wearing a shirt! May's eyes are wearing a shirt and jeans!
At first I thought redblood1 might be a troll. Then I saw she has two favorite stories, both in the Twilight section, and thought that, no, she's probably just that stupid. Then I saw this and had no idea what to think.
Freudian Slip?
Date: 2009-12-14 05:17 am (UTC)I guess we all know what you're really thinking now.
Re: Freudian Slip?
Date: 2009-12-14 01:12 pm (UTC)Re: Oh God these are amazing.
Date: 2009-12-14 01:11 pm (UTC)What's really depressing isn't the misuse, it's that they actually substituted the same word for two different forms of you. They really were just putting it in at random.
I now have a vision of a paranoid-schizophrenic upper-middle-class girl in modern America convinced that she's a barbarian princess receiving messages from a "more civilized" land and the only one aware of just how primitive the living conditions of her and everyone around her are.
That would fit really well with her bit about babies, especially since her guardian pokemon somehow had no one to guard due to lack of babies but they hand over the babies at birth. So it's really more like some girl looking around and going, "But where are the babies? Where are the babies! OMG MALNUTRITION WE IS A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY NAO."
And her parents being all, "It's called birth control and if you're this stupid about it we're not letting you go to that party."
And she's all "OMG MY GUARDIANS THEY BE TEH EVIL."
no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 05:19 am (UTC)ALSO: why does everyone and their mom insist on giving misty a retarded last name. you might as well call her misty waterpokemontrainer, it would be subtler
no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 12:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 12:57 pm (UTC)Alternatively they thought it wasn't properly popular - and, I mean, look at the ship name. Pokeshipping. It was the white bread of shippings that you wrote about because what else was there? People were hardly going to pay attention to a will-they-or-won't-they subplot when most of them had already assumed it within a few episodes of her introduction.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 08:54 am (UTC)...I'm reaching, now, aren't I?
no subject
Date: 2009-12-14 12:49 pm (UTC)There was a rarer line of reasoning that Flint was Brock's surname, since his dad only gives one name. I'd class that more as a fanon thing, since adults using their last name seem to generally be Mrs/Mr and it was more about giving Brock a similar surname.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 03:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 03:42 am (UTC)But interesting! This might suggest that the whole "Misty is saying all this but then doesn't kiss Ash" is simply a matter of dubbers warring with the original animation.
Not sure if that's depressing or not. On the one hand, would mean that her denials weren't actually meant to be taken as actual denials, which is honestly a nicer theory than the way I was taking the scene, on the other hand, would mean that original canon might not have any of that to begin with.
There are presumably subs out there. Maybe I'll go looking in January.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 02:15 am (UTC)"this is how he would get rid of Ash Ketchum once and for all."
USE A GUN.
YES YES YES! GUNS SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS! :p
no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 02:46 am (UTC)And yes, it does.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 04:29 am (UTC)