NaRe, Day Twentysix
Dec. 26th, 2009 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaAngry anons, there are only four remaining days to pop up and tell me how angry you are!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5609537/1/Trials_of_a_Delinquent
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
"Also watch out for course language. "
-.- If you're too young to spell it properly you're probably too young to be writing it.
"Finally, what I wrote doesn’t reflect my own personal beliefs. "
I really want to snap at you for saying this, but then I realize there's probably three other people who'd snap at you if you didn't say it. Still, you're just contributing to the problem by doing this.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, if you're doing first person in an altered state of mind, work at it. This feels like a string of cliches smushed together. It's rambly enough to be annoying without being rambly enough to actually seem like he's out of it.
Oh, and repeated uses of fuck jumps the story up to M. Do you actually need them all, anyway?
And there are a lot of drugs. Being more specific about which he's using would be helpful. The fact he's talking at length about how awesome they are without getting any more detailed than a anti-drug PSA is not really helping your verisimilitude.
"I numbly wiped it away, staring at the scarlet red liquid staining my fingers with indifference."
It's not just that this is a cliché, it's that it's not even the good kind. No, if you wipe at blood and get it on your fingers, it doesn't look like "red liquid". It's pretty sticky to start with and spreading it across your hand does nothing to improve matters. It looks red, full stop. Maybe paint if it's thick and marker if it's thin, but it's not going to be registering as particularly liquid at the moment.
"Congratulations.
You have been chosen to represent your region at the first annual Shindu Games.
Only thirteen contestants have been chosen.
You may bring no other people with you.
Please complete this form and send it to the Kantonian capital.
Name:
Age:
Personality:
History:
Achievements:
Appearance:
Hometown:
Other:
Pokemon:
Thank you, the Shindu Games Director."
You know what annoys me about these things? I mean, besides that asking for OCs doesn't work and the very appearance of the form is a sign the author is going to write a bad story.
It's that that this isn't what would be being asked for. I mean, let's run down this.
She's been chosen. A letter has been sent to her personally. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, but doesn't that kind of imply they know her name? And if they actually picked her, then they presumably know who she is, such as her age, where she lives, her trainer-related history and achievements, what pokemon she used for those achievements, and probably her hair and eye color because I'm sure there's a picture somewhere in the official records.
Oh, but that's not what you _meant_, is it? You mean "wangsty backstory that no one else cares about" when you say "history". And that's why there's a "personality" section, even though it makes no sense for the letter to have it, and an "other" section because the Shindu Games Director really really wants to hear that you are secretly chosen by Mew or don't want to end up in a relationship or believe a trainer should train with their pokemon or whatever the hell people will end up putting down.
Anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"They all lived together peacefully, even though they were at war against evil. This time of peace came abruptly to an end however. "
...they lived in peace while they were at war, but then the peace ended? What?
"Although the other five fought hard, one by one they were all defeated. "
So all the other peaceful nations reacted to a challenge by fighting as long as they could? Look, screw nationalism, if you're so devoted to peace and the only thing you can pin on the guys attacking is "suddenly they think all the regions should be part of one government!" you don't fight. You surrender and then they're in charge but at least you aren't all dead and you didn't have to kill half of them either. You give no explanation why Kanto was evil besides the takeover, and therefore no explanation why everyone else was willing to fight to the last against them despite being so peaceful and sweet.
"When all of them had been defeated, the leaders each swore they would send an incarnate of themselves, one thousand and thirteen years later, to avenge their fallen homeland "
Because nothing says peaceful and good like bloody revenge against the children of the children of the children of the people who originally attacked you! Vendettas are awesome and absolutely never have any negative consequences.
"The echo of the word Shindu bounced around in her head. The girl straightened, jolted with shock. She had just realized that “shindu” meant “to die”."
...just realized? Seriously? She gets the letter, stares, flashbacks, and then randomly thinks that oh right, she knows what the word means? Look, I get that you want it to be dramatic but there has got to be a better way of doing this. Maybe instead of navel-gazing and infodumping she could have some sort of conversation with someone else, and they could mention it when she said the word or showed them the letter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5609839/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Chasing_the_Snowflakes
Stories written in English should be formatted in accordance to English standards, not those of any other language.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610011/1/Merry_Christmas_Paul
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610220/1/End_of_an_era
Capitalize your title properly.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610242/1/again_with_the_mistletoe
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, trite original fiction that happens to involve people sharing names with the canon cast.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610270/1/Curse
Huh.
Something about the pokemon talking really bothered me throughout this, although I'm not sure if I can really put my finger on why and it's obviously required for your plot. But it's not really clear how she's managed it/if that's just how things are supposed to work for everyone, and they end up sounding just the same as people, which serves to undermine the whole foundation of how trainers work - if Dragonite is able to have a conversation with her as an equal, if he has an opinion on which moves should be used, then why does he need to convince her to use it instead of just using it himself when it comes up, and why is it all really her responsibility? And if all of them can talk, which is seems because there doesn't seem to be much suggestion her ability is exceptional, surely others would have pointed out the weird effects of the TM to their trainer by now?
I think this would be mitigated somewhat if the talking was explicitly some sort of special rapport she had (possibly just with her dratini) and if the speech itself was portrayed as more alien or at least not like he was exactly as intelligent and experienced, so things like needing her to give the orders would make more sense.
"She had never lost to a gym leader before. They were predictable type specialists, all glaring common weaknesses that were easily exploited, with some high-leveled Pokémon but not high-leveled enough to make up for it – right? Wasn’t that what she’d always said? And now she’d just lost to one, somehow. "
Also, this just seems too much a gameplayer viewpoint. In-universe they're supposed to be really tough because they're so practiced with a particular type that they know how to cover for those weaknesses and take advantage of their strengths. If they really were a cakewalk, then there'd be no point in the gyms to start with.
I do like the basic plotline of this - you spend a lot of time on details without it feeling dull or like you're just padding things out, it builds nicely and the way you explore the move and the conclusions it leads to is definitely interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610324/1/My_True_Love_Gave_To_Me
"Turning his head, he caught glimpses of his traveling partners. Dawn was trading tips with other trainers and showing off Piplup. Brock, meanwhile, was where Ash left him, with both hands on one of Nurse Joy's and a sonnet on his lips. Croagunk, apparently, decided to leave him alone because the Joy kept looking over her shoulder in disinterest."
BUT YOU NEED TO SPEND SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS ON WHAT BROCK SAYS AND THEN HIM GETTING DRAGGED OFF OR RESTRAINED OR ATTACKED AND THEN EVERYONE HAS TO MENTION IT FOR ANOTHER DOZEN LINES. IT IS THE RULES.
AND I KNOW WHY ASH DIDN'T KISS HER IT'S BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LOVES DAWN. MISTY'S JUST DELUDED THAT BITCH. POKESHIPPERS NEED TO ACCEPT IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! DAWN PUT ON A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT FOR HIM!!!!!! PEARLSHIPPING FOREVER!!!!!!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610324/2/My_True_Love_Gave_To_Me
IT IS SO CUTE HOW PAUL IS PRETENDING HE DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR DAWN EVEN THOUGH IT'S TOTALLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.
IKARISHIPPING FOREVER!!!!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610516/1/All_I_Want_for_Christmas_is_You
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is original fiction that happens to have characters sharing names with canon ones.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610555/1/A_Tad_Too_Far
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"pollywag"
It's "poliwag". I know pokemon species aren't in your spellcheck, but that's why you should look them up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610660/1/Its_the_Season
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this really isn't much of a story, but basically you just saying you want something to be so.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610859/1/Pokemon_Samurai_Awesome
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611049/1/Frozen_Heart
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“Thanks for helping me, Drew”
“No problem”
May thought. ‘Is this really Drew? Where is the arrogant Drew that I knew before? Did he changed his attitude?’"
Grammar and punctuation issues aside, in what universe is replying "No problem" a sign of sudden humility?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't switch around POVs like that, it's bad writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611360/1/First_Day_of_Christmas
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Was thankfully muffled by the pillow with was soon used to sock Marcus on the head."
Proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
And good god, why do people think it's such a good idea to post Christmas fic the one time of year you can be certain a few hundred others have already done so?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611516/1/The_End_to_a_Perfect_Beginning
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611530/1/
"Oh yeah, and I do not speak english as my primary language (yeah, yeah, a lot of people are like this out there. Just bear with me) so a lot of what I say was translated into better english by my friend. "
You and your friend should at least know that in English, English and other such words are capitalized.
Conversely, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The sun's glare was harsh, making it hard to see much, but one could make out the athletic and wiry figure of a 5'9'' or so female with the large 6’07” spikey figure"
Because the fact it was hard to see would certainly not prevent people from being able to tell at a glance the exact height to the inch.
Write out numbers with letters.
Your writing is generally stilted. Try finding a native speaker to look things over. Your dialogue is especially problematic.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611622/1/Anything_For_You
Ugh, more endless unnecessary babbling. If the dialogue is irrelevant cut it out.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts, incidentally, follow the same capitalization and punctuation rules.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611810/1/CONTROL
"They did not believe in stupidity, or brute force tactics to achieve their evil desires. Biding their time, and using their brains over brawn, had brought the C.S. a vast fortune.
That wealth was used to create genetically altered humans. Their DNA had been re-designed, merged with various Pokemon to create a group of basic Pokemorphs, each with different abilities. "
"...so guys, being smart and not relying on physical power has been working out great for us, right? And we should invest that money to make sure we keep on top. So I'm thinking we should create people, but with pokemon powers, so they'll be able to brute force their way to success! It's brilliant!"
"The experiments did not go without their share of failures, of the 10 attempted, only five managed to survive the horrifying process"
A fifty percent success rate on the first try is something generally referred to as pretty goddamn awesome.
"The last two experiments were failures due to an error in merging the DNA of a Legendary Pokemon with a human. The original Merging Serum failed to work, killing the test subjects in a the most painful death imaginable as the wills of human and pokemon rebelled and collided, and as DNA began to erase and eradicate the very existence of the poor soul that was being tested on."
DNA doesn't work that way. Reality doesn't work that way.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"It was dark, and very wet, almost suffocating. Something covered my face, forcing something harsh and dry into my lungs, hurting my chest. It itched, so I removed it."
Wet and suffocating except for the part where their mouth is covered and they're breathing dry air. Right. It's like you're just spitting out cliches without even a second's thought to what the words actually say.
And she doesn't know anything except for all the stuff she randomly knows, right.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
No, you write it out "doctor" if you're not using it before someone's name.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611985/1/Spy_High
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
In addition, unnecessary dialogue is annoying and tiresome to read, and therefore should be edited out with liberal use of the delete key.
This is the third story that was removed between my opening the tab and my clicking review. Refreshing the Just In page showed me it had just been reposted. It had three reviews when it vanished. I wonder what they said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612003/1/Full_Circle
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, it'd be good to give some explanation for why she doesn't just walk back out before he can see her - maybe she's worried it'll make him notice her?
Anyway, your characterization here is really impressive. It's truly rare to see authors to manage to keep them IC while aging them up a decade, but both Ash and Misty here sound recognizably themselves without sounding like they're still children, and the dynamics work perfectly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612245/1/The_14th_Pokedex_Holder
"Alright, this is my first ever OC story, so dont expect to much "
Yes, after your inability to use apostrophes I'm certainly not going to.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Sadly, his talent with machines went fairly unappreciated. When he turned 11, he was prohibited from going on the customary journey around the region and was forced to remain behind to work at the Poketch repair shop his parents run."
I'm sorry, are you not clear on what "unappreciated" means?
...and now they're finding a random wild eevee and saving it from bullies who are inexplicably harassing rather than catching it.
...and also the porygon was wild. Because these are such common wild pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612468/1/Number_the_starmies
Capitalize your title properly.
"I just finished reading the book number the stars and that inspired me to write this."
Oh good god.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612521/1/Unwated_are_Welcome
Your title is misspelled.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't put author's notes in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612579/1/Chosen_Children
Write out numbers with letters.
"Mind; saying to use my powers, but Heart; saying don't! "
Semicolons don't work that way.
You really need more description. The setting is roughly sketched out of stock images, and it's hard to feel any sense of danger for your character when you never properly establish it's there.
Anyway, eight (extremely short) paragraphs is not long enough for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612608/1/All_I_Want_for_Christmas
…
"Yeah, a day late, I know. I had first intended to post this Christmas Eve, but that didn’t happen, so I aimed for Christmas. "
WHY?
...and it's dull and slow and would maybe be just tolerable if not for a hundred other stories about snow, Christmas and shipping that have just been posted.
"I’m sorry this is so bad. Like, really. It started off with this great idea that I’d had and… wow. I have no idea what happened. Oh well… the real goal was to just write a fun little Christmas oneshot and I guess I accomplished that much. I’ve read over it a couple times and I really think it sucks, but whatever, it was fun. What do you all think?"
I think I hate you. It's one thing to honestly not get that it's a dull topic and another thing to know and post because what the category really needs right now is yet another Christmas fic.
You see, guys? IT DOES NOT END JUST BECAUSE IT'S PAST CHRISTMAS. THEY KEEP POSTING.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612786/1/A_not_so_devoted_obsession
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this could have been an amusing little reversal of the standard romance tropes this category is drowning it if you hadn't felt the need to make it clear he really meant it, throw in stuff like "not wanting to let his disappointment show too much" and otherwise establish it wasn't meant to get her to back off.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613125/1/From_Punk_to_Princess
"FULL SUMMARY: Misty is a junior at Fuchsia High, and has lived with who she beleived to be her parents ever since she was a baby. But when someone who goes by the name Ash Ketchum mysteriously appears at her school, telling her of a whole different life she was supposed to be living, how can she beleive him? She was just your average teenage skater until she was told the fate of a kingdom in a whole different world was put on her shoulders, and it's up to Ash to convince her to do the right thing. Even if it means leaving her old life behind."
OOC + AU = belongs over on Fictionpress.
Also Jesus Christ use spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613146/1/Dancing_on_red_shoes
Capitalize your title properly.
SPELLCHECK.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And yet again we have original fiction that happens to be about OCs with the same name as the canon cast being miscategorized as pokemon romance. If it's got nothing to do with pokemon and they're all grossly out of character, it's not pokemon fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612961/1/Rainy_Day
“Thanks God she didn’t brought an umbrella.”
This is abysmal grammar. If you're really bad at it, find someone to beta read.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now you've randomly jumped into script.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613726/1/Pokemon_Swan_Song
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"She was only a Ralts, but I raised her until she became a fully grown woman."
…
"I subconsciously had a strong, unknown hatred for this man."
That's a cop-out. If he doesn't like the request, then that's why he doesn't like the guy. If he sees nothing wrong, then he shouldn't be able to just know who your designated villain is.
Okay, let's recap.
Guy has a gardevior, who is his friend. She's shiny. Other guy says he wants her, and she immediately gets upset and shakes her head to indicate she doesn't want this. Guy says she doesn't want to so she's not going. So far so good.
Other guy then suggests they have a pokemon battle, and if other guy wins he gets her. If other guy loses, he'll give the first guy a flute. Gardevior again shakes her head, but guy's other pokemon supports the idea, so he naturally agrees. Because why should her opinion matter on whether or not she should be bet to a stranger?
...so his pokemon are hacked (because hacking is totally wrong people!!!!).
And instead of doing...well, doing anything, really, he announces the guy's a cheater and then merrily keeps on battling, instead of trying to flee or attack the guy himself.
And more bitchery about hackers.
And more. Look, I don't care that a gameshark ran over your dog, does this have any point?
Well, there's a fridging. That's like a point. You'd think pokemon wouldn't get hit by that trope, but then again you were the one emphasizing how she's a woman.
Anyway. Look, if your story is basically one very long battle, you're going to have to work harder at making the description interesting. Most of this is barely above "Used attack/attack description/attack effect on enemy pokemon" repeated a few dozen times.
The rats didn't want their pictures taken, but the cat was more obliging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5609537/1/Trials_of_a_Delinquent
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
"Also watch out for course language. "
-.- If you're too young to spell it properly you're probably too young to be writing it.
"Finally, what I wrote doesn’t reflect my own personal beliefs. "
I really want to snap at you for saying this, but then I realize there's probably three other people who'd snap at you if you didn't say it. Still, you're just contributing to the problem by doing this.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, if you're doing first person in an altered state of mind, work at it. This feels like a string of cliches smushed together. It's rambly enough to be annoying without being rambly enough to actually seem like he's out of it.
Oh, and repeated uses of fuck jumps the story up to M. Do you actually need them all, anyway?
And there are a lot of drugs. Being more specific about which he's using would be helpful. The fact he's talking at length about how awesome they are without getting any more detailed than a anti-drug PSA is not really helping your verisimilitude.
"I numbly wiped it away, staring at the scarlet red liquid staining my fingers with indifference."
It's not just that this is a cliché, it's that it's not even the good kind. No, if you wipe at blood and get it on your fingers, it doesn't look like "red liquid". It's pretty sticky to start with and spreading it across your hand does nothing to improve matters. It looks red, full stop. Maybe paint if it's thick and marker if it's thin, but it's not going to be registering as particularly liquid at the moment.
"Congratulations.
You have been chosen to represent your region at the first annual Shindu Games.
Only thirteen contestants have been chosen.
You may bring no other people with you.
Please complete this form and send it to the Kantonian capital.
Name:
Age:
Personality:
History:
Achievements:
Appearance:
Hometown:
Other:
Pokemon:
Thank you, the Shindu Games Director."
You know what annoys me about these things? I mean, besides that asking for OCs doesn't work and the very appearance of the form is a sign the author is going to write a bad story.
It's that that this isn't what would be being asked for. I mean, let's run down this.
She's been chosen. A letter has been sent to her personally. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, but doesn't that kind of imply they know her name? And if they actually picked her, then they presumably know who she is, such as her age, where she lives, her trainer-related history and achievements, what pokemon she used for those achievements, and probably her hair and eye color because I'm sure there's a picture somewhere in the official records.
Oh, but that's not what you _meant_, is it? You mean "wangsty backstory that no one else cares about" when you say "history". And that's why there's a "personality" section, even though it makes no sense for the letter to have it, and an "other" section because the Shindu Games Director really really wants to hear that you are secretly chosen by Mew or don't want to end up in a relationship or believe a trainer should train with their pokemon or whatever the hell people will end up putting down.
Anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"They all lived together peacefully, even though they were at war against evil. This time of peace came abruptly to an end however. "
...they lived in peace while they were at war, but then the peace ended? What?
"Although the other five fought hard, one by one they were all defeated. "
So all the other peaceful nations reacted to a challenge by fighting as long as they could? Look, screw nationalism, if you're so devoted to peace and the only thing you can pin on the guys attacking is "suddenly they think all the regions should be part of one government!" you don't fight. You surrender and then they're in charge but at least you aren't all dead and you didn't have to kill half of them either. You give no explanation why Kanto was evil besides the takeover, and therefore no explanation why everyone else was willing to fight to the last against them despite being so peaceful and sweet.
"When all of them had been defeated, the leaders each swore they would send an incarnate of themselves, one thousand and thirteen years later, to avenge their fallen homeland "
Because nothing says peaceful and good like bloody revenge against the children of the children of the children of the people who originally attacked you! Vendettas are awesome and absolutely never have any negative consequences.
"The echo of the word Shindu bounced around in her head. The girl straightened, jolted with shock. She had just realized that “shindu” meant “to die”."
...just realized? Seriously? She gets the letter, stares, flashbacks, and then randomly thinks that oh right, she knows what the word means? Look, I get that you want it to be dramatic but there has got to be a better way of doing this. Maybe instead of navel-gazing and infodumping she could have some sort of conversation with someone else, and they could mention it when she said the word or showed them the letter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5609839/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Chasing_the_Snowflakes
Stories written in English should be formatted in accordance to English standards, not those of any other language.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610011/1/Merry_Christmas_Paul
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610220/1/End_of_an_era
Capitalize your title properly.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610242/1/again_with_the_mistletoe
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, trite original fiction that happens to involve people sharing names with the canon cast.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610270/1/Curse
Huh.
Something about the pokemon talking really bothered me throughout this, although I'm not sure if I can really put my finger on why and it's obviously required for your plot. But it's not really clear how she's managed it/if that's just how things are supposed to work for everyone, and they end up sounding just the same as people, which serves to undermine the whole foundation of how trainers work - if Dragonite is able to have a conversation with her as an equal, if he has an opinion on which moves should be used, then why does he need to convince her to use it instead of just using it himself when it comes up, and why is it all really her responsibility? And if all of them can talk, which is seems because there doesn't seem to be much suggestion her ability is exceptional, surely others would have pointed out the weird effects of the TM to their trainer by now?
I think this would be mitigated somewhat if the talking was explicitly some sort of special rapport she had (possibly just with her dratini) and if the speech itself was portrayed as more alien or at least not like he was exactly as intelligent and experienced, so things like needing her to give the orders would make more sense.
"She had never lost to a gym leader before. They were predictable type specialists, all glaring common weaknesses that were easily exploited, with some high-leveled Pokémon but not high-leveled enough to make up for it – right? Wasn’t that what she’d always said? And now she’d just lost to one, somehow. "
Also, this just seems too much a gameplayer viewpoint. In-universe they're supposed to be really tough because they're so practiced with a particular type that they know how to cover for those weaknesses and take advantage of their strengths. If they really were a cakewalk, then there'd be no point in the gyms to start with.
I do like the basic plotline of this - you spend a lot of time on details without it feeling dull or like you're just padding things out, it builds nicely and the way you explore the move and the conclusions it leads to is definitely interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610324/1/My_True_Love_Gave_To_Me
"Turning his head, he caught glimpses of his traveling partners. Dawn was trading tips with other trainers and showing off Piplup. Brock, meanwhile, was where Ash left him, with both hands on one of Nurse Joy's and a sonnet on his lips. Croagunk, apparently, decided to leave him alone because the Joy kept looking over her shoulder in disinterest."
BUT YOU NEED TO SPEND SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS ON WHAT BROCK SAYS AND THEN HIM GETTING DRAGGED OFF OR RESTRAINED OR ATTACKED AND THEN EVERYONE HAS TO MENTION IT FOR ANOTHER DOZEN LINES. IT IS THE RULES.
AND I KNOW WHY ASH DIDN'T KISS HER IT'S BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LOVES DAWN. MISTY'S JUST DELUDED THAT BITCH. POKESHIPPERS NEED TO ACCEPT IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! DAWN PUT ON A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT FOR HIM!!!!!! PEARLSHIPPING FOREVER!!!!!!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610324/2/My_True_Love_Gave_To_Me
IT IS SO CUTE HOW PAUL IS PRETENDING HE DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR DAWN EVEN THOUGH IT'S TOTALLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.
IKARISHIPPING FOREVER!!!!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610516/1/All_I_Want_for_Christmas_is_You
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is original fiction that happens to have characters sharing names with canon ones.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610555/1/A_Tad_Too_Far
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"pollywag"
It's "poliwag". I know pokemon species aren't in your spellcheck, but that's why you should look them up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610660/1/Its_the_Season
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this really isn't much of a story, but basically you just saying you want something to be so.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610859/1/Pokemon_Samurai_Awesome
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611049/1/Frozen_Heart
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“Thanks for helping me, Drew”
“No problem”
May thought. ‘Is this really Drew? Where is the arrogant Drew that I knew before? Did he changed his attitude?’"
Grammar and punctuation issues aside, in what universe is replying "No problem" a sign of sudden humility?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't switch around POVs like that, it's bad writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611360/1/First_Day_of_Christmas
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Was thankfully muffled by the pillow with was soon used to sock Marcus on the head."
Proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
And good god, why do people think it's such a good idea to post Christmas fic the one time of year you can be certain a few hundred others have already done so?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611516/1/The_End_to_a_Perfect_Beginning
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611530/1/
"Oh yeah, and I do not speak english as my primary language (yeah, yeah, a lot of people are like this out there. Just bear with me) so a lot of what I say was translated into better english by my friend. "
You and your friend should at least know that in English, English and other such words are capitalized.
Conversely, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The sun's glare was harsh, making it hard to see much, but one could make out the athletic and wiry figure of a 5'9'' or so female with the large 6’07” spikey figure"
Because the fact it was hard to see would certainly not prevent people from being able to tell at a glance the exact height to the inch.
Write out numbers with letters.
Your writing is generally stilted. Try finding a native speaker to look things over. Your dialogue is especially problematic.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611622/1/Anything_For_You
Ugh, more endless unnecessary babbling. If the dialogue is irrelevant cut it out.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts, incidentally, follow the same capitalization and punctuation rules.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611810/1/CONTROL
"They did not believe in stupidity, or brute force tactics to achieve their evil desires. Biding their time, and using their brains over brawn, had brought the C.S. a vast fortune.
That wealth was used to create genetically altered humans. Their DNA had been re-designed, merged with various Pokemon to create a group of basic Pokemorphs, each with different abilities. "
"...so guys, being smart and not relying on physical power has been working out great for us, right? And we should invest that money to make sure we keep on top. So I'm thinking we should create people, but with pokemon powers, so they'll be able to brute force their way to success! It's brilliant!"
"The experiments did not go without their share of failures, of the 10 attempted, only five managed to survive the horrifying process"
A fifty percent success rate on the first try is something generally referred to as pretty goddamn awesome.
"The last two experiments were failures due to an error in merging the DNA of a Legendary Pokemon with a human. The original Merging Serum failed to work, killing the test subjects in a the most painful death imaginable as the wills of human and pokemon rebelled and collided, and as DNA began to erase and eradicate the very existence of the poor soul that was being tested on."
DNA doesn't work that way. Reality doesn't work that way.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"It was dark, and very wet, almost suffocating. Something covered my face, forcing something harsh and dry into my lungs, hurting my chest. It itched, so I removed it."
Wet and suffocating except for the part where their mouth is covered and they're breathing dry air. Right. It's like you're just spitting out cliches without even a second's thought to what the words actually say.
And she doesn't know anything except for all the stuff she randomly knows, right.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
No, you write it out "doctor" if you're not using it before someone's name.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5611985/1/Spy_High
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
In addition, unnecessary dialogue is annoying and tiresome to read, and therefore should be edited out with liberal use of the delete key.
This is the third story that was removed between my opening the tab and my clicking review. Refreshing the Just In page showed me it had just been reposted. It had three reviews when it vanished. I wonder what they said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612003/1/Full_Circle
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, it'd be good to give some explanation for why she doesn't just walk back out before he can see her - maybe she's worried it'll make him notice her?
Anyway, your characterization here is really impressive. It's truly rare to see authors to manage to keep them IC while aging them up a decade, but both Ash and Misty here sound recognizably themselves without sounding like they're still children, and the dynamics work perfectly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612245/1/The_14th_Pokedex_Holder
"Alright, this is my first ever OC story, so dont expect to much "
Yes, after your inability to use apostrophes I'm certainly not going to.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Sadly, his talent with machines went fairly unappreciated. When he turned 11, he was prohibited from going on the customary journey around the region and was forced to remain behind to work at the Poketch repair shop his parents run."
I'm sorry, are you not clear on what "unappreciated" means?
...and now they're finding a random wild eevee and saving it from bullies who are inexplicably harassing rather than catching it.
...and also the porygon was wild. Because these are such common wild pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612468/1/Number_the_starmies
Capitalize your title properly.
"I just finished reading the book number the stars and that inspired me to write this."
Oh good god.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612521/1/Unwated_are_Welcome
Your title is misspelled.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't put author's notes in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612579/1/Chosen_Children
Write out numbers with letters.
"Mind; saying to use my powers, but Heart; saying don't! "
Semicolons don't work that way.
You really need more description. The setting is roughly sketched out of stock images, and it's hard to feel any sense of danger for your character when you never properly establish it's there.
Anyway, eight (extremely short) paragraphs is not long enough for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612608/1/All_I_Want_for_Christmas
…
"Yeah, a day late, I know. I had first intended to post this Christmas Eve, but that didn’t happen, so I aimed for Christmas. "
WHY?
...and it's dull and slow and would maybe be just tolerable if not for a hundred other stories about snow, Christmas and shipping that have just been posted.
"I’m sorry this is so bad. Like, really. It started off with this great idea that I’d had and… wow. I have no idea what happened. Oh well… the real goal was to just write a fun little Christmas oneshot and I guess I accomplished that much. I’ve read over it a couple times and I really think it sucks, but whatever, it was fun. What do you all think?"
I think I hate you. It's one thing to honestly not get that it's a dull topic and another thing to know and post because what the category really needs right now is yet another Christmas fic.
You see, guys? IT DOES NOT END JUST BECAUSE IT'S PAST CHRISTMAS. THEY KEEP POSTING.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612786/1/A_not_so_devoted_obsession
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this could have been an amusing little reversal of the standard romance tropes this category is drowning it if you hadn't felt the need to make it clear he really meant it, throw in stuff like "not wanting to let his disappointment show too much" and otherwise establish it wasn't meant to get her to back off.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613125/1/From_Punk_to_Princess
"FULL SUMMARY: Misty is a junior at Fuchsia High, and has lived with who she beleived to be her parents ever since she was a baby. But when someone who goes by the name Ash Ketchum mysteriously appears at her school, telling her of a whole different life she was supposed to be living, how can she beleive him? She was just your average teenage skater until she was told the fate of a kingdom in a whole different world was put on her shoulders, and it's up to Ash to convince her to do the right thing. Even if it means leaving her old life behind."
OOC + AU = belongs over on Fictionpress.
Also Jesus Christ use spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613146/1/Dancing_on_red_shoes
Capitalize your title properly.
SPELLCHECK.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And yet again we have original fiction that happens to be about OCs with the same name as the canon cast being miscategorized as pokemon romance. If it's got nothing to do with pokemon and they're all grossly out of character, it's not pokemon fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5612961/1/Rainy_Day
“Thanks God she didn’t brought an umbrella.”
This is abysmal grammar. If you're really bad at it, find someone to beta read.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now you've randomly jumped into script.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5613726/1/Pokemon_Swan_Song
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"She was only a Ralts, but I raised her until she became a fully grown woman."
…
"I subconsciously had a strong, unknown hatred for this man."
That's a cop-out. If he doesn't like the request, then that's why he doesn't like the guy. If he sees nothing wrong, then he shouldn't be able to just know who your designated villain is.
Okay, let's recap.
Guy has a gardevior, who is his friend. She's shiny. Other guy says he wants her, and she immediately gets upset and shakes her head to indicate she doesn't want this. Guy says she doesn't want to so she's not going. So far so good.
Other guy then suggests they have a pokemon battle, and if other guy wins he gets her. If other guy loses, he'll give the first guy a flute. Gardevior again shakes her head, but guy's other pokemon supports the idea, so he naturally agrees. Because why should her opinion matter on whether or not she should be bet to a stranger?
...so his pokemon are hacked (because hacking is totally wrong people!!!!).
And instead of doing...well, doing anything, really, he announces the guy's a cheater and then merrily keeps on battling, instead of trying to flee or attack the guy himself.
And more bitchery about hackers.
And more. Look, I don't care that a gameshark ran over your dog, does this have any point?
Well, there's a fridging. That's like a point. You'd think pokemon wouldn't get hit by that trope, but then again you were the one emphasizing how she's a woman.
Anyway. Look, if your story is basically one very long battle, you're going to have to work harder at making the description interesting. Most of this is barely above "Used attack/attack description/attack effect on enemy pokemon" repeated a few dozen times.
The rats didn't want their pictures taken, but the cat was more obliging.
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