NaRe Day Fourteen
Apr. 14th, 2010 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://fanfiction.net/s/5891033/1/Spiegelbilder_I
...well, that seemed like incoherence for the sake of incoherence. It's really easy to write something confusing so that your readers have to struggle to get it, that doesn't mean there's necessarily any point in doing so.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891505/1/The_After_Show
This is pointless and rife with mistakes. You could at least proofread better.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891584/1/Pokemon_World
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891789/1/Fall_of_a_Champion
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Really? The Blob, You mean, she doesn't want me to fight? Awesome! ]
You seem to have dropped a verb.
Anyway, this is decent.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891789/2/Fall_of_a_Champion
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Anyway, exaggerated crazy and shouting tends to get in the way of taking anything about the story seriously.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891957/1/From_Boy_to_Legend
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Spellcheck.
Proofread.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891987/1/Discovery
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[he shows up and stops them with his "Special." Pikachu. ]
When using quotes like this, you shouldn't have the capital letter or ending punctuation. Just "special" is correct.
[including legendary Pokemon and psychic Officer Jenny's as their stars ]
Don't use apostrophes for plurals.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...Jesus Christ that author's note.
[I know that Delia is just too sweet and wholesome of a woman to have a one night stand ]
[Giovanni and Delia are two teens who are young and in love, right, so they had sex (I'm thinking that it was either "If you truly love me you would sleep with me." sex or "It was all happening so fast and she didn't even know what was going on until she could feel it rip and he was inside her." sex)]
[she called him insane and he began to beat her.
Not violently mind you]
Your fucked up issues: I do not need to know them.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892123/1/Lost_Soul
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now his mom shows up to rescue him, only for them both to decide he, a baby mudkip, is better off in the hands of a five year old girl whose dad bought him from a poacher? Wow, swampert have the suckest maternal instinct ever. Also, if you have something happen only for it to fizzle out without any impact, you shouldn't have bothered with it in the first place.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892419/1/Moondance_With_the_Stars
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The scientist smiled wickedly at the embryo that was slowly growing in the test tube. "Soon, my child." He said with menace. "Soon you will be alive."]
...if it's a growing embryo, it's already alive. Why do all fanfic scientists fail science so badly?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now he's ordering pokemon executed because he's EVIL. Look, if it's apparently still a perfectly normal ralts, they can just give it back and let TR do whatever else they do with captured pokemon, like selling them. Killing off their failed experiments only makes sense if the experimental pokemon are normally worthless (ie, rattata) or were made worthless (if the ralts failed to gain any new abilities/moves and also had its natural ones ruined in the process, or if it's just generally weakened.)
...and the bottom half is just long emo poetry. Less is more.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892419/2/Moondance_With_the_Stars
["Excellent, Sara. Keep an eye on its vitals. Make sure his heart keeps pumping." I started at the word, "it". Weren't they talking about something with life? With a pumping heart and blood-filled veins? So shouldn't the "it" be a "he" or a "she"? ]
Well, that's some major proofreading fail right there. If you're going to make a point of pronoun use, the least you could do is pay attention to it.
And once again the random experiment Just Knows everything basic upon being decanted. Also, if he's got language downloaded into him and can recognize various nouns, then it's stupid to say that somehow he conveniently doesn't know other nouns like pidgey.
[I was small. An infant ]
NO. Infant humans can't focus their eyes or lift their own heads, nor are they capable of any deliberate interaction with their environment, it's all covered by reflexes at birth. If you want him ambulatory and moderately competent as is the standard tiresome cliche, you need to say they grew him up a bit in the vat.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892426/1/The_Journey_of_a_LifeTime
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Lifetime, not LifeTime.
There isn't any comma shortage, so your valiant rationing attempts are unneeded and frankly annoying.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Generally, proofread better.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892505/1/Pokemon_Adventure_Kyles_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[Yesterday was Kyles 13th birthday-he waited a few years to learn the basics from his dad- and that ment today was the day he would start his pokemon journey. He didn't relize what time it was until his alarm went off at a later time. ]
Use an apostrophe for possessives.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten, and learning "the basics" via the stupid moron method of getting lectured rather than actually getting a pokemon means he's going to spend the rest of his trainer career losing to kids two years younger than him.
Spellcheck.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
["Oh sweety im so proud of you"! she yelled hugging him tighter where he could almost not breathe.
"Thanks mom but i've got to jet."]
Generally, proofread better and get a beta reader, your grammar is atrocious.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892582/1/Max_and_The_Master_of_Nightmares
[My name is Max, me and my mother live together in a small apartment in Washington D.C. ]
It's "my mother and I", because if you take out the bit about his mother the current sentence reads "My name is Max, me live in a small apartment in Washington D.C. "
[The Iraq war bombings have reached home soil, the entire east coast is a wasteland, and we are sick of it. ]
No they wouldn't. In general, America needs to get over its fucking persecution complex. This is generally obnoxious but in the case of a war caused by American that involved the actual people of Iraq getting bombed and dying your desperate attempt to co-opt this and make it about you in America is outright infuriating.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892644/1/Kanto_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
God, what is with people and shiny starters?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892671/1/PMD_A_charmanders_story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also? We get it, seriously. You don't need to open the story with the interview questions that everyone's read a few hundred times before.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892709/1/The_Commission_Chronicles_Chapter_1
Don't put the chapter name in your title, all chapters are supposed to be in the same story.
Write out numbers with letters.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Last year the camping stove's propane fitting started leaking gas and turned the stove into a tent devouring flamethrower. ]
...do you know anything about camping? If you're using a propane stove inside the tent, you're doing it wrong in every imaginable way. And if you mean the stove was outside and shooting fire that far, that's stupid and ridiculous.
[I loaded everything, including the infamous camping stove into my teal Ford Escort ZX2. ]
Uh, no, if it was leaking gas and then on fire, it'd probably explode and if by some chance made it out intact, no one would use it again. Damaged propane stoves are really dangerous.
And stop talking about brands, they don't matter.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
["Wow, time flies when your stuck setting everything up and you had something more fun in mind." I chuckled to myself as I looked at my watch, it was almost 7:30 and the sun was just starting to set.
"I suppose I still have some time for a short walk." I thought as I finished loading the last bag into the tent.]
No. Goddammit, not how camping works. Camping involves more than setting up a tent. And when the sun goes down it actually gets dark.
[I liked to try and catch Crawfish in. ]
ARG.
You do not capitalize unless it's a name or the start of a sentence. This isn't hard.
[One of the eggs popped and a small piece fell into the burner of the stove. It caught fire and I quickly flipped it out with the fork, then stomping on it to put it out.
"Boy it would have been bad had that hit the tent and burned it down." I said. "My parents would never let me hear the end of the infamous flaming egg." I turned off the stove and scraped the eggs onto a plate.]
What the hell is his tent made of?
[The next morning I woke up to the sun shining brightly into my face. "If the sun ever had a hobby, I bet it would be waking people up that were stupid enough to set a tent up in that direction." ]
...so is his tent clear, or is he too stupid to close it up?
This is too annoying. I'm not reading on.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892875/1/Family_Ties
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
...still dialogue...
...still dialogue but now with random Ash's dad showing up...
...steadily more grammar errors, in dialogue because what else could there be in a story...
...more dialogue. Yeah, I'm going to call it quits here.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892884/1/Mighty_Morphin_Poke_Rangers_I
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and this is doing a good job of mimicking the opening to a Power Rangers series. Shame it's so faithfully emulating all the bad things about that.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892921/1/Red
[My foot fell into the loose gravel that layered the mountain trail before me like a thin and creamy fudge frosting on a sweet, sweet ten-layer chocolate cake. The rich taste would always linger in my satisfied mouth as I rubbed my eyes ]
...that's a terrible metaphor and this whole opening doesn't make any sense.
Aside from that, the rest of this is written serviceable and the grammar itself good, although I feel like the story could have been developed further.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892976/1/The_Song_Remains_the_Same
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
…and it's standard plotless chatter. Ugh.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893085/1/Prior
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's spelled "eevee". Look up pokemon species if you're not sure.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893341/1/A_Road_Diverged
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[It's quite sad then, isn't it, that you've never found a rival."
"I'll find one." Gold mumbled softly. "I'll find one."]
This comes off more silly than dramatic.
Look, if you want to say the presence or absence of Silver changed a lot of things subtly and built up to Gold making a bad choice right here, that's interesting. You could definitely argue that Gold feeling bored might lead to him being overconfident or thrillseeking, or even that the lack of having someone to oppose made him care less about the things he'd otherwise be fighting for. Having it just be a matter of Gold doing something _because_ he wants a rival, which happens to turn out to be bad, is pretty lame.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Sheesh, loosen up will ya- Silver? That's an odd name."
Silver turned around with a gasp to see the boy standing there with his training card- "How- Oh crap, you saw my name-"]
...yeah, how exactly did he get the card?
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893373/1/Garys_New_Rival
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Another dream about her..." Gary said to nobody in particular, "It would be a little less frustrating if I at least knew her name. Then, I could do some checking around to see if she's real, or just some girl in my dreams." ]
Unless Gary has gone crazy, he shouldn't be jumping right to the idea she might be real.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
In addition, thoughts follow the same punctuation and capitalization rules as dialogue.
…if Gary calls about and finds she's real, his first thought shouldn't be that they should train and then challenge her, it should be HOW THE HELL WAS HE DREAMING ABOUT A REAL PERSON AND WHY? Seriously, if you introduce worldbreaking stuff, that's okay, but you have to have the characters react to it as the worldbreaking crazy stuff it is, and have an explanation ready for when they do.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893505/1/Legends_Awakened
This is interesting, and the idea they might use fire pokemon to go into burning buildings looking for trapped people makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that they'd wait until the building was too hot for firemen to survive, then switch in the pokemon, because at that point, even if someone was temporarily alive in a cooler section, they'd die being taken through the house. Using water pokemon might make sense, as they'd have resistance to the heat and might be able to cool things down enough to move people.
Seriously, molten concrete? Do you have any idea how insanely hot that'd have to be?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Yay, it's Mewtwo! And he possibly set the fire and now he's stealing a baby for unknown reasons. Interesting.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893682/1/Scattered_BrightPowder
Don't use apostrophes for speech, use quotation marks.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Still, nice to see IC dialogue that relates to the storyline. It's depressingly rare.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893682/2/Scattered_BrightPowder
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, cute.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893842/1/The_World_of_Pokemon_Calebs_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and it's a lot of filler.
...more filler...
...I'll give you credit that it's at least varying filler instead of being a solid wall of dialogue, but still filler...
...and we get to the end and nothing's happened. The wake up/get pokemon sequence has literally been done hundreds of times by now. If you have a plot, start there. If you don't have a plot, get a plot and then start there. Seeing yet another repeat of the games everyone's played isn't interesting just because you're the one that wrote it down.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894082/1/Mortys_Hoenn_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And this is yet another first chapter that's too short to be a decent first chapter. You need to have something actually happening. People making vague reference to something which is not interesting but possibly might end up maybe leading to something else that's possibly interesting doesn't cut it.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894243/1/Consequences
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway...this is really pretty dull. It's just Ash recapping the events of something more interesting and saying stuff that's obvious. He's not even coming to any real realization, since he's just saying he'd do it again if he had to. And then his mom compliments him. Not really a story.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894370/1/Fair
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Zac helped professor Elm ]
This is an example of when it should be capitalized.
[Of course, being the hero, Zac had to help him. And in return, Professor Elm gave him that stupid chicken that Zac used. I stood there in complete shock as Elm just gave him a Pokemon, and didn't even give a glance to me. Chopped liver, that's what I was. And it bothered the shit out of me. ]
Just so we're clear, she's supposed to be coming off as crazy and unreasonable here, right?
[I grew up around them all our whole, but had never had one for myself. ]
Pretty sure you want "life" in that sentence.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894600/1/No_Pokemon_Please
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I didn't even want to be a trainer (when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I usually answered with "lawyer"...much to my parents' embarrassment). I was seemingly the only person in my little world that just didn't care about Pokemon, their capabilities, or their power. I was "normal" in every aspect of the word, which by my society's standard, made me a freak. ]
Look, having someone who's not that into pokemon as a character works. You've even given a pretty good explanation that makes sense...until you start insisting that she's some weird anomaly and no one else ever wants to be a lawyer or anything else, because their society really can't function if everyone is just running around training pokemon. It might be unusual to kids her age, especially since kids tend to ostracize anyone who doesn't agree with the crowd, but it should hardly seem that odd to adults, yet alone embarassing.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[physic]
Psychic.
[I gave it a quick glance over my pizza before chugging back some milk. "He looks, uh. Great. Good job, Mom."
"Bibbles is a girl..." She sounded crestfallen.]
This doesn't sound like your character is okay with pokemon, more like she just barely tolerates them. Even a kid who didn't care much about, say, dogs would still know the gender of their parents' pet. She'd have to completely tune out everything or actively be ignoring remembering anything about it.
[She knew how I got when people tried to force pokemon on me. ]
Once again, if she's okay with pokemon but just not interested, she shouldn't be refusing free ones. If she's getting pokemon forced on her, the only way to explain her still not having ones is if she hates the idea enough that she'd rather deal with constant badgering.
Honestly, you could make a perfectly decent story out of someone who, not interested in pokemon, never went through the effort of getting one. But insisting that the world is trying to force pokemon on her at every opportunity makes the world feel contrived and childish and makes her behavior bizarre - if she really didn't care one way or the other, she wouldn't be spending so much time avoiding it.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894776/1/Venuss_Story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and this is yet another first chapter that's failing at being a first chapter. You need to actually have your story start by your first chapter, you can't just write a scene of chatter and call it a day.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895210/1/Logans_Adventure
Use apostrophes to indicate possessives.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895285/1/Ladoh_Region_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895292/1/HalfBreed
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
It is nice to see that things are actually happening this chapter, though this is a pretty overdone plotline.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895526/1/Its_Because_I_Love_You
SONGFIC IS BANNED. BECAUSE IT MAKES FOR CRAPPY, CRAPPY STORIES.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895985/1/Satellite
Decently written but doesn't really go anywhere.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896064/1/Regret
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Anyway, this is ridiculous and OOC.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896406/1/Life_As_I_Knew_It_Exists_No_More
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I just hope that Miya will grow up to be a kind hearted caring and compassionate woman, and not evil. No matter what, I have to be careful what I say now around Miya as she's growing up, and I can't mention anything about our past life in Team Rocket. I can't tell her anything that she might perceive as evil and I especially have to be cautious, especially about Team Rocket. ]
...that's not how "evil" works. At all. It's not like if you say "So, I was in a gang once" your son would immediately run out to eat kittens.
["Hehehe." chuckled the beefy guy evilly. "That should lure her here in no time. Kaputo will be pleased. Soon he will be able to force the girl to work as a Rocket, and soon, the girl will be brainwashed to kill her parents!" He gloated. "Soon, Jessie and James will be no more!" He cried maniacally. ]
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know, like taking candy from a baby." Butch answered. "Only easier. Because we are taking a child from her parents. This should be very easy, Cassidy. Easier than any other mission we've ever done." ]
...so was this supposed to sound like nonsense?
...okay, I'm really bored of the endless adventures of How The World Revolves Around Miya, so I'm stopping.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896557/1/Pokemon_the_light_in_the_darkness
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896593/1/Giratinas_Shadow
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...if the meowth have names, why is he shouting for someone named "Meowth" in the opening? If nothing else it'd be a lot less confusing.
["The level" was the term Pokemon used for any level requirements Pokemon needed to level up. ]
So the term was the term used for the term. I think you might mean something else.
Anyway, this does seem like an interesting setup, though it'd depend on where you go now.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896627/1/Alan_in_the_Pokemon_world
[I remember seeing their blood gushing down and how the doctors were surprised I didn't drown in it. ]
...people don't have *that* much blood in them.
[I remember having countless therapy lessons that I didn't need. For you see, my parents were abusive and cruel. ]
Oh, because in that case of course he wouldn't need therapy.
[I was moved from foster home to foster home forgetting everything about the previous families that owned me. ]
He's so well-adjusted!
It's "okay", four letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["You see when a TV show is created, so is a universe and I've searched for years for the answers." ]
...well, that's crazy.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896627/2/Alan_in_the_Pokemon_world
And now he's randomly run into a cyndaquil and teddiursa. Who are too stupid to use their own attacks and need a human to tell them to fight back. At which point they beat almost an entire swarm of beedrill by themselves, because, I don't know, he's just so awesome that pokemon he picked up for five seconds become superpowered or something.
When used as part of their name, you capitalize it Professor.
["Yes, we actually caught them, when we realized you didn't catch them," professor Oak said, smiling, "and since we are still in the Johto region, you can have cyndaquil as a starter and teddiursa."
"But I thought I could only have one pokémon to start my journey."]
...So he's a real fan who's been watching faithfully for years, yet somehow he believes fanon nonsense applies here.
Team Rocket/Magma/Aqua/Whatever are names and get capitalized.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896860/1/The_Hunted
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The scent of the dusty mountain filling the Absols nose as it took in detail of every crack and fracture, every small crevice in the mountain. Its cage smelling of metal and rust. ]
The sentence fragment.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Seeing as this is from the perspective of the pokemon, why exactly are they all being referred to as "it"? Especially the nidoking of all things.
Anyway, this is kind of interesting, but not that much. The device of having the chapter end with someone discussing something vaguely that may be a big deal is overdone and really less intriguing than you might think.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896950/1/KONA_DA_GIRL_WHO_WAS_IN_LUV_W_A_NASHUN
Once again, self-aware badfic is not parody. It's just badfic.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5897370/1/Pokemon_Johto_Destiny
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
NEVER PUT AUTHOR'S NOTES IN YOUR STORY.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
...well, that seemed like incoherence for the sake of incoherence. It's really easy to write something confusing so that your readers have to struggle to get it, that doesn't mean there's necessarily any point in doing so.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891505/1/The_After_Show
This is pointless and rife with mistakes. You could at least proofread better.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891584/1/Pokemon_World
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891789/1/Fall_of_a_Champion
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Really? The Blob, You mean, she doesn't want me to fight? Awesome! ]
You seem to have dropped a verb.
Anyway, this is decent.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891789/2/Fall_of_a_Champion
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Anyway, exaggerated crazy and shouting tends to get in the way of taking anything about the story seriously.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891957/1/From_Boy_to_Legend
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Spellcheck.
Proofread.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5891987/1/Discovery
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[he shows up and stops them with his "Special." Pikachu. ]
When using quotes like this, you shouldn't have the capital letter or ending punctuation. Just "special" is correct.
[including legendary Pokemon and psychic Officer Jenny's as their stars ]
Don't use apostrophes for plurals.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...Jesus Christ that author's note.
[I know that Delia is just too sweet and wholesome of a woman to have a one night stand ]
[Giovanni and Delia are two teens who are young and in love, right, so they had sex (I'm thinking that it was either "If you truly love me you would sleep with me." sex or "It was all happening so fast and she didn't even know what was going on until she could feel it rip and he was inside her." sex)]
[she called him insane and he began to beat her.
Not violently mind you]
Your fucked up issues: I do not need to know them.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892123/1/Lost_Soul
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now his mom shows up to rescue him, only for them both to decide he, a baby mudkip, is better off in the hands of a five year old girl whose dad bought him from a poacher? Wow, swampert have the suckest maternal instinct ever. Also, if you have something happen only for it to fizzle out without any impact, you shouldn't have bothered with it in the first place.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892419/1/Moondance_With_the_Stars
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The scientist smiled wickedly at the embryo that was slowly growing in the test tube. "Soon, my child." He said with menace. "Soon you will be alive."]
...if it's a growing embryo, it's already alive. Why do all fanfic scientists fail science so badly?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now he's ordering pokemon executed because he's EVIL. Look, if it's apparently still a perfectly normal ralts, they can just give it back and let TR do whatever else they do with captured pokemon, like selling them. Killing off their failed experiments only makes sense if the experimental pokemon are normally worthless (ie, rattata) or were made worthless (if the ralts failed to gain any new abilities/moves and also had its natural ones ruined in the process, or if it's just generally weakened.)
...and the bottom half is just long emo poetry. Less is more.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892419/2/Moondance_With_the_Stars
["Excellent, Sara. Keep an eye on its vitals. Make sure his heart keeps pumping." I started at the word, "it". Weren't they talking about something with life? With a pumping heart and blood-filled veins? So shouldn't the "it" be a "he" or a "she"? ]
Well, that's some major proofreading fail right there. If you're going to make a point of pronoun use, the least you could do is pay attention to it.
And once again the random experiment Just Knows everything basic upon being decanted. Also, if he's got language downloaded into him and can recognize various nouns, then it's stupid to say that somehow he conveniently doesn't know other nouns like pidgey.
[I was small. An infant ]
NO. Infant humans can't focus their eyes or lift their own heads, nor are they capable of any deliberate interaction with their environment, it's all covered by reflexes at birth. If you want him ambulatory and moderately competent as is the standard tiresome cliche, you need to say they grew him up a bit in the vat.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892426/1/The_Journey_of_a_LifeTime
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Lifetime, not LifeTime.
There isn't any comma shortage, so your valiant rationing attempts are unneeded and frankly annoying.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Generally, proofread better.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892505/1/Pokemon_Adventure_Kyles_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[Yesterday was Kyles 13th birthday-he waited a few years to learn the basics from his dad- and that ment today was the day he would start his pokemon journey. He didn't relize what time it was until his alarm went off at a later time. ]
Use an apostrophe for possessives.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten, and learning "the basics" via the stupid moron method of getting lectured rather than actually getting a pokemon means he's going to spend the rest of his trainer career losing to kids two years younger than him.
Spellcheck.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
["Oh sweety im so proud of you"! she yelled hugging him tighter where he could almost not breathe.
"Thanks mom but i've got to jet."]
Generally, proofread better and get a beta reader, your grammar is atrocious.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892582/1/Max_and_The_Master_of_Nightmares
[My name is Max, me and my mother live together in a small apartment in Washington D.C. ]
It's "my mother and I", because if you take out the bit about his mother the current sentence reads "My name is Max, me live in a small apartment in Washington D.C. "
[The Iraq war bombings have reached home soil, the entire east coast is a wasteland, and we are sick of it. ]
No they wouldn't. In general, America needs to get over its fucking persecution complex. This is generally obnoxious but in the case of a war caused by American that involved the actual people of Iraq getting bombed and dying your desperate attempt to co-opt this and make it about you in America is outright infuriating.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892644/1/Kanto_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
God, what is with people and shiny starters?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892671/1/PMD_A_charmanders_story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also? We get it, seriously. You don't need to open the story with the interview questions that everyone's read a few hundred times before.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892709/1/The_Commission_Chronicles_Chapter_1
Don't put the chapter name in your title, all chapters are supposed to be in the same story.
Write out numbers with letters.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Last year the camping stove's propane fitting started leaking gas and turned the stove into a tent devouring flamethrower. ]
...do you know anything about camping? If you're using a propane stove inside the tent, you're doing it wrong in every imaginable way. And if you mean the stove was outside and shooting fire that far, that's stupid and ridiculous.
[I loaded everything, including the infamous camping stove into my teal Ford Escort ZX2. ]
Uh, no, if it was leaking gas and then on fire, it'd probably explode and if by some chance made it out intact, no one would use it again. Damaged propane stoves are really dangerous.
And stop talking about brands, they don't matter.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
["Wow, time flies when your stuck setting everything up and you had something more fun in mind." I chuckled to myself as I looked at my watch, it was almost 7:30 and the sun was just starting to set.
"I suppose I still have some time for a short walk." I thought as I finished loading the last bag into the tent.]
No. Goddammit, not how camping works. Camping involves more than setting up a tent. And when the sun goes down it actually gets dark.
[I liked to try and catch Crawfish in. ]
ARG.
You do not capitalize unless it's a name or the start of a sentence. This isn't hard.
[One of the eggs popped and a small piece fell into the burner of the stove. It caught fire and I quickly flipped it out with the fork, then stomping on it to put it out.
"Boy it would have been bad had that hit the tent and burned it down." I said. "My parents would never let me hear the end of the infamous flaming egg." I turned off the stove and scraped the eggs onto a plate.]
What the hell is his tent made of?
[The next morning I woke up to the sun shining brightly into my face. "If the sun ever had a hobby, I bet it would be waking people up that were stupid enough to set a tent up in that direction." ]
...so is his tent clear, or is he too stupid to close it up?
This is too annoying. I'm not reading on.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892875/1/Family_Ties
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
...still dialogue...
...still dialogue but now with random Ash's dad showing up...
...steadily more grammar errors, in dialogue because what else could there be in a story...
...more dialogue. Yeah, I'm going to call it quits here.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892884/1/Mighty_Morphin_Poke_Rangers_I
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and this is doing a good job of mimicking the opening to a Power Rangers series. Shame it's so faithfully emulating all the bad things about that.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892921/1/Red
[My foot fell into the loose gravel that layered the mountain trail before me like a thin and creamy fudge frosting on a sweet, sweet ten-layer chocolate cake. The rich taste would always linger in my satisfied mouth as I rubbed my eyes ]
...that's a terrible metaphor and this whole opening doesn't make any sense.
Aside from that, the rest of this is written serviceable and the grammar itself good, although I feel like the story could have been developed further.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5892976/1/The_Song_Remains_the_Same
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
…and it's standard plotless chatter. Ugh.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893085/1/Prior
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's spelled "eevee". Look up pokemon species if you're not sure.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893341/1/A_Road_Diverged
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[It's quite sad then, isn't it, that you've never found a rival."
"I'll find one." Gold mumbled softly. "I'll find one."]
This comes off more silly than dramatic.
Look, if you want to say the presence or absence of Silver changed a lot of things subtly and built up to Gold making a bad choice right here, that's interesting. You could definitely argue that Gold feeling bored might lead to him being overconfident or thrillseeking, or even that the lack of having someone to oppose made him care less about the things he'd otherwise be fighting for. Having it just be a matter of Gold doing something _because_ he wants a rival, which happens to turn out to be bad, is pretty lame.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Sheesh, loosen up will ya- Silver? That's an odd name."
Silver turned around with a gasp to see the boy standing there with his training card- "How- Oh crap, you saw my name-"]
...yeah, how exactly did he get the card?
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893373/1/Garys_New_Rival
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Another dream about her..." Gary said to nobody in particular, "It would be a little less frustrating if I at least knew her name. Then, I could do some checking around to see if she's real, or just some girl in my dreams." ]
Unless Gary has gone crazy, he shouldn't be jumping right to the idea she might be real.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
In addition, thoughts follow the same punctuation and capitalization rules as dialogue.
…if Gary calls about and finds she's real, his first thought shouldn't be that they should train and then challenge her, it should be HOW THE HELL WAS HE DREAMING ABOUT A REAL PERSON AND WHY? Seriously, if you introduce worldbreaking stuff, that's okay, but you have to have the characters react to it as the worldbreaking crazy stuff it is, and have an explanation ready for when they do.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893505/1/Legends_Awakened
This is interesting, and the idea they might use fire pokemon to go into burning buildings looking for trapped people makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that they'd wait until the building was too hot for firemen to survive, then switch in the pokemon, because at that point, even if someone was temporarily alive in a cooler section, they'd die being taken through the house. Using water pokemon might make sense, as they'd have resistance to the heat and might be able to cool things down enough to move people.
Seriously, molten concrete? Do you have any idea how insanely hot that'd have to be?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Yay, it's Mewtwo! And he possibly set the fire and now he's stealing a baby for unknown reasons. Interesting.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893682/1/Scattered_BrightPowder
Don't use apostrophes for speech, use quotation marks.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Still, nice to see IC dialogue that relates to the storyline. It's depressingly rare.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893682/2/Scattered_BrightPowder
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, cute.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5893842/1/The_World_of_Pokemon_Calebs_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and it's a lot of filler.
...more filler...
...I'll give you credit that it's at least varying filler instead of being a solid wall of dialogue, but still filler...
...and we get to the end and nothing's happened. The wake up/get pokemon sequence has literally been done hundreds of times by now. If you have a plot, start there. If you don't have a plot, get a plot and then start there. Seeing yet another repeat of the games everyone's played isn't interesting just because you're the one that wrote it down.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894082/1/Mortys_Hoenn_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And this is yet another first chapter that's too short to be a decent first chapter. You need to have something actually happening. People making vague reference to something which is not interesting but possibly might end up maybe leading to something else that's possibly interesting doesn't cut it.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894243/1/Consequences
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway...this is really pretty dull. It's just Ash recapping the events of something more interesting and saying stuff that's obvious. He's not even coming to any real realization, since he's just saying he'd do it again if he had to. And then his mom compliments him. Not really a story.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894370/1/Fair
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Zac helped professor Elm ]
This is an example of when it should be capitalized.
[Of course, being the hero, Zac had to help him. And in return, Professor Elm gave him that stupid chicken that Zac used. I stood there in complete shock as Elm just gave him a Pokemon, and didn't even give a glance to me. Chopped liver, that's what I was. And it bothered the shit out of me. ]
Just so we're clear, she's supposed to be coming off as crazy and unreasonable here, right?
[I grew up around them all our whole, but had never had one for myself. ]
Pretty sure you want "life" in that sentence.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894600/1/No_Pokemon_Please
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I didn't even want to be a trainer (when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I usually answered with "lawyer"...much to my parents' embarrassment). I was seemingly the only person in my little world that just didn't care about Pokemon, their capabilities, or their power. I was "normal" in every aspect of the word, which by my society's standard, made me a freak. ]
Look, having someone who's not that into pokemon as a character works. You've even given a pretty good explanation that makes sense...until you start insisting that she's some weird anomaly and no one else ever wants to be a lawyer or anything else, because their society really can't function if everyone is just running around training pokemon. It might be unusual to kids her age, especially since kids tend to ostracize anyone who doesn't agree with the crowd, but it should hardly seem that odd to adults, yet alone embarassing.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[physic]
Psychic.
[I gave it a quick glance over my pizza before chugging back some milk. "He looks, uh. Great. Good job, Mom."
"Bibbles is a girl..." She sounded crestfallen.]
This doesn't sound like your character is okay with pokemon, more like she just barely tolerates them. Even a kid who didn't care much about, say, dogs would still know the gender of their parents' pet. She'd have to completely tune out everything or actively be ignoring remembering anything about it.
[She knew how I got when people tried to force pokemon on me. ]
Once again, if she's okay with pokemon but just not interested, she shouldn't be refusing free ones. If she's getting pokemon forced on her, the only way to explain her still not having ones is if she hates the idea enough that she'd rather deal with constant badgering.
Honestly, you could make a perfectly decent story out of someone who, not interested in pokemon, never went through the effort of getting one. But insisting that the world is trying to force pokemon on her at every opportunity makes the world feel contrived and childish and makes her behavior bizarre - if she really didn't care one way or the other, she wouldn't be spending so much time avoiding it.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5894776/1/Venuss_Story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and this is yet another first chapter that's failing at being a first chapter. You need to actually have your story start by your first chapter, you can't just write a scene of chatter and call it a day.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895210/1/Logans_Adventure
Use apostrophes to indicate possessives.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895285/1/Ladoh_Region_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895292/1/HalfBreed
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
It is nice to see that things are actually happening this chapter, though this is a pretty overdone plotline.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895526/1/Its_Because_I_Love_You
SONGFIC IS BANNED. BECAUSE IT MAKES FOR CRAPPY, CRAPPY STORIES.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5895985/1/Satellite
Decently written but doesn't really go anywhere.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896064/1/Regret
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Anyway, this is ridiculous and OOC.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896406/1/Life_As_I_Knew_It_Exists_No_More
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I just hope that Miya will grow up to be a kind hearted caring and compassionate woman, and not evil. No matter what, I have to be careful what I say now around Miya as she's growing up, and I can't mention anything about our past life in Team Rocket. I can't tell her anything that she might perceive as evil and I especially have to be cautious, especially about Team Rocket. ]
...that's not how "evil" works. At all. It's not like if you say "So, I was in a gang once" your son would immediately run out to eat kittens.
["Hehehe." chuckled the beefy guy evilly. "That should lure her here in no time. Kaputo will be pleased. Soon he will be able to force the girl to work as a Rocket, and soon, the girl will be brainwashed to kill her parents!" He gloated. "Soon, Jessie and James will be no more!" He cried maniacally. ]
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know, like taking candy from a baby." Butch answered. "Only easier. Because we are taking a child from her parents. This should be very easy, Cassidy. Easier than any other mission we've ever done." ]
...so was this supposed to sound like nonsense?
...okay, I'm really bored of the endless adventures of How The World Revolves Around Miya, so I'm stopping.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896557/1/Pokemon_the_light_in_the_darkness
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896593/1/Giratinas_Shadow
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...if the meowth have names, why is he shouting for someone named "Meowth" in the opening? If nothing else it'd be a lot less confusing.
["The level" was the term Pokemon used for any level requirements Pokemon needed to level up. ]
So the term was the term used for the term. I think you might mean something else.
Anyway, this does seem like an interesting setup, though it'd depend on where you go now.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896627/1/Alan_in_the_Pokemon_world
[I remember seeing their blood gushing down and how the doctors were surprised I didn't drown in it. ]
...people don't have *that* much blood in them.
[I remember having countless therapy lessons that I didn't need. For you see, my parents were abusive and cruel. ]
Oh, because in that case of course he wouldn't need therapy.
[I was moved from foster home to foster home forgetting everything about the previous families that owned me. ]
He's so well-adjusted!
It's "okay", four letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["You see when a TV show is created, so is a universe and I've searched for years for the answers." ]
...well, that's crazy.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896627/2/Alan_in_the_Pokemon_world
And now he's randomly run into a cyndaquil and teddiursa. Who are too stupid to use their own attacks and need a human to tell them to fight back. At which point they beat almost an entire swarm of beedrill by themselves, because, I don't know, he's just so awesome that pokemon he picked up for five seconds become superpowered or something.
When used as part of their name, you capitalize it Professor.
["Yes, we actually caught them, when we realized you didn't catch them," professor Oak said, smiling, "and since we are still in the Johto region, you can have cyndaquil as a starter and teddiursa."
"But I thought I could only have one pokémon to start my journey."]
...So he's a real fan who's been watching faithfully for years, yet somehow he believes fanon nonsense applies here.
Team Rocket/Magma/Aqua/Whatever are names and get capitalized.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896860/1/The_Hunted
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The scent of the dusty mountain filling the Absols nose as it took in detail of every crack and fracture, every small crevice in the mountain. Its cage smelling of metal and rust. ]
The sentence fragment.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Seeing as this is from the perspective of the pokemon, why exactly are they all being referred to as "it"? Especially the nidoking of all things.
Anyway, this is kind of interesting, but not that much. The device of having the chapter end with someone discussing something vaguely that may be a big deal is overdone and really less intriguing than you might think.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5896950/1/KONA_DA_GIRL_WHO_WAS_IN_LUV_W_A_NASHUN
Once again, self-aware badfic is not parody. It's just badfic.
http://fanfiction.net/s/5897370/1/Pokemon_Johto_Destiny
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
NEVER PUT AUTHOR'S NOTES IN YOUR STORY.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
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no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 03:25 am (UTC)Did you know they are remaking Red Dawn, but with China as the evil "commie" aggressor? that movie is like the pinnacle of American victim-fantasy cinema, if there is such a thing
In general I guess the fantasy of rising up against some oppressive force and/or fighting to survive in a disaster area is a pervasive one, especially among young males? Hence zombie apocalypse fiction. Still, it's kind of fucked up to completely romanticize things like invasion of your country. Like it would be all whoop-ass and glory and getting the girl, instead of terror and confusion and death
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 04:09 am (UTC)There are real WOLVERINES! in the world right now. They aren't the privileged morons dressing up like colonialists and shouting racist epithets. They're the poor fucked up kids in Iraq who get their hands on some guns and decide to take a stand against the invading forces. And they end up buried in a Cuban prison and tortured for years, with no hope for anything else for the rest of their lives. They're the people the idiots who love Red Dawn hate and want to suffer forever.
I can't possibly blame them for wanting to kill us. Whenever I stop to think about what I'm complicit in, I almost want to kill me.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 05:29 am (UTC)What I find even more creepy is this recurring theme throughout with child soldiers, where a lot of Western people act like the kids are damaged goods that need to be put down, because if a guy rapes and murders his way through civilians that's just soldiering, but a kid shoots a couple people and they might as well be a rabid dog. I wonder if part of why there isn't outcry that we're killing teens is that somehow they're less human than adults doing the same thing.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 06:04 am (UTC)Before that...actual journalists talking about child soldiers say some pretty disturbing stuff. I remember hearing ages ago about a guy who saw a ten year old with a gun and an ear necklace and how he instantly knew that the kid could never come back from that. I don't remember if he shot the kid or was just thinking about how the only thing you could do was shoot the kid. It's a really seductive attitude, because it lets you take the easiest option but feel really good about how you made the hard choice. You don't need to say "when the war's over, what do we do with these kids?" you can just shake your head sadly over them as casualties.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 06:54 am (UTC)I like to believe that everyone has the potential to change themselves for the better, even if most choose not to. But if I were to try to think of something you can't come back from, something that's an unforgivable sin, the closest I could come up with would be killing children. To me, a child-killer is the lowest, most hateful thing a human being can become. What you're describing is so fundamentally backwards I can barely comprehend it, just like it's fundamentally backwards to think of rape victims rather than rapists as dirty and tainted and sexually ruined.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 04:05 pm (UTC)And I think it's the exact same thing as the ruined women idea - both are about something weak whose only real trait is their innocence. Without that, they're worth less than real people. It's also narratively appealing - both storywise and in the way our minds work, which reinforce each other. We like things neat and tidy, so once people pass a certain amount of damage they have to die or else we'd have to keep dealing with them.
I think it's also cultural (at least, I really hope the people there don't have the same attitude), since kids displaying those sorts of traits unprompted probably are serial killers and we don't live in a society that normally prompts them. But then again, I don't see the same "the kid killed a cat, he's probably a sociopath, time to kill him" pattern - it almost always stalls at "need to keep an eye on him", so it seems like the reaction is almost entirely based on the actual actions involved.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 12:23 am (UTC)...did it work? Because I don't see how that could work. Kannazuki no Miko tried and failed to convince me it's remotely possible for rape to be necessary, and it bribed me with happy lesbians.
Anyway, the rest of that makes a lot of sense and gives me some things to think about — especially the part about narrative appeal. Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 04:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 05:18 am (UTC)I understand why people might want such a backdrop, and it's better than channeling such impulses into fantasies of going to war. What pisses me off so much is that rather than being a sort of empathy with people actually in those situations, they're turned into faceless monsters and blamed for it. And when it's crossed into real world politics...No one's making decisions based on the zombie apocalypse or raptor attack, but people who think it's plausible that "America" can be "attacked" are a lot more likely to be okay with allowing atrocities.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 03:58 am (UTC)...That author's note. Holy mother of fuck, that author's note. It's like the whole "so I 'changed' the genders of these characters who totally didn't have genders in the first place because I wanted to pair them and homosexuality is icky!" mess. If they just hadn't said anything, we wouldn't have known to hate them.
[The Iraq war bombings have reached home soil, the entire east coast is a wasteland, and we are sick of it. ]
I'm glad you were able to come up with a coherent response to this. I probably would have just started shouting "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU."
I just realized you use the word "themself" in one of your autocorrects. "Them" as a singular, non-gender-specific is useful and happening and I am totally on that bandwagon, but I always have trouble deciding whether it should be "themselves" or "themself." Thoughts?
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 05:51 am (UTC)...the worst part about that story is I was going to end with a "pretty decent" and then I glanced down to the author's note. And it's not even just the language. I mean, I'd be annoyed, but I could see why someone would say stuff like that for some characters. But she doesn't have that much characterization, she's basically defined as a single mom. And there's no excuse for the idea that even if she was in a relationship, she was either tricked or coerced into the actual sex (which of course she did not enjoy!) I'm almost surprised the author didn't just have him rape her so she was totally free of icky sex guilt, only I kind of worry that it's because the author doesn't think it counts as rape if your boyfriend does it, since option two pretty much sounds like it already.
Yeah, the author got back to me to bitch about how I shouldn't complain it's unrealistic since it's only fanfic. So I'm sort of at DIAF now.
I actually really like themself, spellcheck and English teachers be damned, because it emphasizes that I mean it as singular - usually when I use plain "them" it's very easy to assume it's plural. But admittedly part of using them-singular is the idea that the plurals and singulars are interchangeable, and so an argument can be made for themselves-singular. (And admittedly I kind of jump randomly between the two in actual use.)
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 06:15 am (UTC)Yes, that's what was tripping me up! Partly because it's bizarre all on its own, partly because that's the same thing that was odd about the word's usage in Midnight Crew. Only there it's intentional, with Slick referring to his victims as "torsos" because he's a psychopath who doesn't think of other people as people so much as warm bodies for him to carve up with his shiny, shiny knives.
only fanfic
Like 24 is only a television show, right? New rule: people who don't believe that stories matter aren't allowed to tell them.
I actually really like themself, spellcheck and English teachers be damned, because it emphasizes that I mean it as singular - usually when I use plain "them" it's very easy to assume it's plural. But admittedly part of using them-singular is the idea that the plurals and singulars are interchangeable, and so an argument can be made for themselves-singular. (And admittedly I kind of jump randomly between the two in actual use.)
Yeah, those are pretty much my thoughts as well. I guess the only thing for it with something like this is to try using it and watch how people react.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 04:15 pm (UTC)With 24, I think there's unfortunately a distinct subset who believe 24 is accurate, so the fact it convinces people is good/it's not convincing them it's just educating them about the facts.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 12:25 am (UTC)What's really frustrating is you could put the "just a television show" set in the same room as these people, and they would still probably refuse to acknowledge their existence.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-15 05:28 pm (UTC)