NaRe, Day Twentynine
Apr. 29th, 2010 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931055/1/Fight_to_the_end
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Gyrados ]
Gyarados. Double check the spelling of pokemon species.
[I stare in awe. Then Gyrados does something curious. It reaches its gargantuan head down to me, and nudges me lightly. Then it nudges one of the Poke Balls I grabbed when I fled. It pokes the ball, and vanishes in a flash of red light. The ball immediately flashes green, confirming my capture. Gyrados chose me. I am in shock. When I manage to move again, I am in wonder. I caught a shiny Gyrados over twice as large as a normal one. It will be very useful. And somehow it knows the most powerful water type move. Oh, this is good. I immediately head to Viridian City, catching a Rattata, a Pidgey, and a Spearow along the way.]
So basically, it's a retelling of Pokemon if Ash was a sue. Not a good idea.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931073/1/pokemon_sagas_Hoen
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931272/1/A_Golden_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks, they make you look like a five year old.
[She threw on her hat she made at Build-a-hat Workshop(A/N Sucky name? I KNOW! I couldn't think of anything else and where do you think Ash got his hats?)that had bubbles rising out of grass over her long light brown hair with bangs that almost covered her well... golden eyes along with her blue longsleeve covered by a lime-green tank top with a pokeball on it and her blue jeans and finally red sneakers (Well one thing had to be a different color!) and slid down the stairs. ]
Never put author's notes in your story text. Also, don't list off your character's appearance, and no gold eyes.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931302/1/You
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Generally bad, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931823/1/Fuyo_na_tabi
Capitalize your title properly.
[defiently ]
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[You two are alchemist's! ]
Never use an apostrophe for plurals.
...and now the boat randomly leaves and somehow there's nothing Ed can do about it so they're all just stuck out in the water to drown, and then stuff happens and stuff happens and he wakes up on a beach. Your writing is extremely hard to follow and it's irritating.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now we're getting an "explanation" that reads more like you copying the game intro text than what an actual pokemon should be saying.
...and now there's the obligatory "no really pokemon like getting captured because um well because well they shut up they just do".
["It's Edward, though you can just call me Ed if you want." He paused for a second and shrugged "Or you could call me Fullmetal, though I prefer not to be called that." ]
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED SOMETHING DON'T INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS THAT.
...and once again we have the character-in-another-world-or-something not telling people what's going on. Taken to ridiculous extremes here, since despite admitting to the vulpix he has no clue about pokemon, he somehow thinks mentioning that he's been deaged is going too far.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932260/1/Team_Enforcers
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You should never post character bios. If something's relevant, it belongs in the story. If it's not, it shouldn't be mentioned at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932269/1/A_new_legacy
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Stop using parenthesis.
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932314/1/Arceus_amp_The_Jewel_Of_Strife
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Storywise, this is pretty bad. It's just you saying "and then a thing happened" over and over again, without really explaining why or doing much to connect them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932786/1/Hearbeat
[Word Count: 191 ]
THEN IT'S NOT A DRABBLE JESUS CHRIST HOW HARD IS THIS?
DRABBLE = 100 WORDS
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Oh, and you misspelled your title, too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933010/1/Dislocation
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[It fought hard to make sure this was the true one, the true light one that would free it, and as the red glow of a ball in mid-catch blinded it, all the weight and loneliness of the Distortion World fell away. ]
This is a common trope but that doesn't make it any less of a lazy cop-out. If your premise is that a pokemon wants something, then you can't just declare that they fought to prevent it anyway because.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933059/1/Through_Thick_and_Thin
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She blinked and did a double take when she saw the girl from the lab appear out of the bushes, a Wigglytuff beside the Glaceon, and a Chimecho floating above her head. What was most unusual though, was the tiny creature in her arms.
A Shaymin.]
[Carmela giggled. "Carmela Cresselia Ice. Everyone calls me Cress or Glacie. Actually, I have tons of nicknames. But it's usually Glacie, Cress, or Carmela." ]
["Glacia here," she pointed at the Glaceon, "and my Umbreon, Shadow, recently laid this Egg. She has a twin." She pulled out her own egg to prove the point. "It was the first time ever that they had seen twin-eggs." ]
So basically, she gets her starter from the worst sue I've seen all year. That's certainly something different, I must admit. And it definitely makes her special girl eevee look downright reasonable in the face of that monstrosity of a character.
Apparently I've reviewed them already, because I'm blocked. Which is depressing, since I was sort of holding out hope it was deliberate or something. Jesus. The glaceon is shiny, by the way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933299/1/Hope_for_Tomorrow
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, but when it's my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
[That night was so frightfully scary, she, the unknowing girl with the currently missing parents, couldn't erase the searing, hateful, completely and utterly terrifying look on her gambling-obsessed fathers face as he cradled a broken lip, his hand clenching the steering wheel like it was the only thing keeping him from lashing out, from striking back as she asked him 'where's mommy? Where is she, Daddy?' ]
Your sentences are constructed badly, with a lot of unnecessary information and poor word choice. Focus more on clarity and less on trying to sound clever.
[as she willowed away ]
I can't even figure out what you meant here. Don't use words if you can't use them properly.
The writing of this is generally a chore to read through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933495/1/Just_A_Dream
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
[Her face was met with a flying pancake. With butter, syrup, whipped cream, strawberries, and all. There was a brief burst of laughter from her brother while she slowly twitched, the pancake sliding off her face to plop to the floor.
"Why... are we throwing pancakes?" she asked the now-silent room, trying to keep her anger in check.]
At once ridiculous and emo, two terrible tastes that go even worse together.
[striken ]
Spellcheck.
[Her real name was Aki Suzume, but she preferred to call herself "Kokoro Aki", as it was translated to "Autum Heart", which sounded romantic in her opinion. ]
Speaking of ridiculous, this is utterly so, and even worse given her brother is simply "Tom". Because consistent naming might get in the way of making her special!
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Gyrados ]
Gyarados. Double check the spelling of pokemon species.
[I stare in awe. Then Gyrados does something curious. It reaches its gargantuan head down to me, and nudges me lightly. Then it nudges one of the Poke Balls I grabbed when I fled. It pokes the ball, and vanishes in a flash of red light. The ball immediately flashes green, confirming my capture. Gyrados chose me. I am in shock. When I manage to move again, I am in wonder. I caught a shiny Gyrados over twice as large as a normal one. It will be very useful. And somehow it knows the most powerful water type move. Oh, this is good. I immediately head to Viridian City, catching a Rattata, a Pidgey, and a Spearow along the way.]
So basically, it's a retelling of Pokemon if Ash was a sue. Not a good idea.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931073/1/pokemon_sagas_Hoen
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931272/1/A_Golden_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks, they make you look like a five year old.
[She threw on her hat she made at Build-a-hat Workshop(A/N Sucky name? I KNOW! I couldn't think of anything else and where do you think Ash got his hats?)that had bubbles rising out of grass over her long light brown hair with bangs that almost covered her well... golden eyes along with her blue longsleeve covered by a lime-green tank top with a pokeball on it and her blue jeans and finally red sneakers (Well one thing had to be a different color!) and slid down the stairs. ]
Never put author's notes in your story text. Also, don't list off your character's appearance, and no gold eyes.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931302/1/You
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Generally bad, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5931823/1/Fuyo_na_tabi
Capitalize your title properly.
[defiently ]
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[You two are alchemist's! ]
Never use an apostrophe for plurals.
...and now the boat randomly leaves and somehow there's nothing Ed can do about it so they're all just stuck out in the water to drown, and then stuff happens and stuff happens and he wakes up on a beach. Your writing is extremely hard to follow and it's irritating.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now we're getting an "explanation" that reads more like you copying the game intro text than what an actual pokemon should be saying.
...and now there's the obligatory "no really pokemon like getting captured because um well because well they shut up they just do".
["It's Edward, though you can just call me Ed if you want." He paused for a second and shrugged "Or you could call me Fullmetal, though I prefer not to be called that." ]
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED SOMETHING DON'T INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS THAT.
...and once again we have the character-in-another-world-or-something not telling people what's going on. Taken to ridiculous extremes here, since despite admitting to the vulpix he has no clue about pokemon, he somehow thinks mentioning that he's been deaged is going too far.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932260/1/Team_Enforcers
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You should never post character bios. If something's relevant, it belongs in the story. If it's not, it shouldn't be mentioned at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932269/1/A_new_legacy
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Stop using parenthesis.
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932314/1/Arceus_amp_The_Jewel_Of_Strife
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Storywise, this is pretty bad. It's just you saying "and then a thing happened" over and over again, without really explaining why or doing much to connect them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5932786/1/Hearbeat
[Word Count: 191 ]
THEN IT'S NOT A DRABBLE JESUS CHRIST HOW HARD IS THIS?
DRABBLE = 100 WORDS
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Oh, and you misspelled your title, too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933010/1/Dislocation
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[It fought hard to make sure this was the true one, the true light one that would free it, and as the red glow of a ball in mid-catch blinded it, all the weight and loneliness of the Distortion World fell away. ]
This is a common trope but that doesn't make it any less of a lazy cop-out. If your premise is that a pokemon wants something, then you can't just declare that they fought to prevent it anyway because.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933059/1/Through_Thick_and_Thin
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She blinked and did a double take when she saw the girl from the lab appear out of the bushes, a Wigglytuff beside the Glaceon, and a Chimecho floating above her head. What was most unusual though, was the tiny creature in her arms.
A Shaymin.]
[Carmela giggled. "Carmela Cresselia Ice. Everyone calls me Cress or Glacie. Actually, I have tons of nicknames. But it's usually Glacie, Cress, or Carmela." ]
["Glacia here," she pointed at the Glaceon, "and my Umbreon, Shadow, recently laid this Egg. She has a twin." She pulled out her own egg to prove the point. "It was the first time ever that they had seen twin-eggs." ]
So basically, she gets her starter from the worst sue I've seen all year. That's certainly something different, I must admit. And it definitely makes her special girl eevee look downright reasonable in the face of that monstrosity of a character.
Apparently I've reviewed them already, because I'm blocked. Which is depressing, since I was sort of holding out hope it was deliberate or something. Jesus. The glaceon is shiny, by the way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933299/1/Hope_for_Tomorrow
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, but when it's my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
[That night was so frightfully scary, she, the unknowing girl with the currently missing parents, couldn't erase the searing, hateful, completely and utterly terrifying look on her gambling-obsessed fathers face as he cradled a broken lip, his hand clenching the steering wheel like it was the only thing keeping him from lashing out, from striking back as she asked him 'where's mommy? Where is she, Daddy?' ]
Your sentences are constructed badly, with a lot of unnecessary information and poor word choice. Focus more on clarity and less on trying to sound clever.
[as she willowed away ]
I can't even figure out what you meant here. Don't use words if you can't use them properly.
The writing of this is generally a chore to read through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933495/1/Just_A_Dream
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
[Her face was met with a flying pancake. With butter, syrup, whipped cream, strawberries, and all. There was a brief burst of laughter from her brother while she slowly twitched, the pancake sliding off her face to plop to the floor.
"Why... are we throwing pancakes?" she asked the now-silent room, trying to keep her anger in check.]
At once ridiculous and emo, two terrible tastes that go even worse together.
[striken ]
Spellcheck.
[Her real name was Aki Suzume, but she preferred to call herself "Kokoro Aki", as it was translated to "Autum Heart", which sounded romantic in her opinion. ]
Speaking of ridiculous, this is utterly so, and even worse given her brother is simply "Tom". Because consistent naming might get in the way of making her special!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-30 10:49 am (UTC)Right, April only has thirty days. We should have kept that in mind when urging you to do one month or the others.
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Date: 2010-04-30 07:12 pm (UTC)I'm thinking of popping in again for October, actually, though not doing thorough reviews. Maybe I'll hit all the horror that gets posted or something.
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Date: 2010-04-30 09:53 pm (UTC)Maybe the buried-in-mud thing in the ring the Styx runs through? I know that's "gloomy"* rather than slothful, but that's still apathy of a sort.
*I love that you can go to Hell for being insufficiently cheerful. Dante's God is basically a Doctor Who villain.
Also: :DDDD
no subject
Date: 2010-04-30 07:54 pm (UTC)Good question! Let's ask Ash, shall we?
"[...] I won it at the official Pokemon League Expo! Don't you know how tough it is to get one of those hats?"
"An official expo hat? ... Ohh!"
"Hey, all you Pokemon League fans! Now you have a chance to win one of a hundred limited edition Pokemon League official hats! It's wearable, it's washable, and it's /official/! Don't miss your chance to win the official hat of the official expo of the official Pokemon League!"
"... It's official."
... God, "oh my arceus". Including song lyrics for no reason. /Professor Pine./ And more eevee. Ugh. At least grammatically horrible fics you can laugh at. These kinds just make you weep for humanity.
Note the beginning of her other fic for the connection.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 02:08 am (UTC)