Sadistic Reviews
Oct. 31st, 2010 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6369145/1/Forgotten_Nightmare
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I, Andrew, Pokémon Trainer, mumbled as I slowly opened my eyes, waiting for my eyes to dilate to the room's dull lighting. As I gained my vision back from my rest, I saw five Unown; floating, flat, eye-shaped Pokémon, whose bodies are the shapes of letters, dancing around me, laughing gleefully. ]
Your sentence structure hurts. Rearrange those into smoother sentences or break them into smaller ones.
["Leave?" I said, questioning what they were trying to tell me ]
Or you could have just said "Leave?" I asked. Seriously, you don't get good writer points by expressing things in the longest way possible.
Your narrator is way too chatty. I don't get any sense of building horror, they just come off as dumb and a loudmouth.
And now it's more random things. They're kind of shocking, I guess, but they're just not presented well, it's all rushed and there's no sense of atmosphere.
So zombie Celebi is bitching that Andrew beat Red, because apparently Red is some sort of mentally unstable wuss who everyone has to coddle and let win or else he'll have a breakdown. It doesn't sound dramatic, just absurd.
And then it's all a dream. Eh. Pretty pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6369608/1/The_Adventures_of_Mary_Sue
[Most people make their Ocs ]
…Urk. I really hate when people do this when they don't even know basic things like that it's written OC, being an abbreviation for Original Character. This whole thing seems like bandwagon jumping, you get that people don't like them so you're bashing them too, but you're not saying anything new. Plus, your jokey "mistakes" come off as pretty hypocritical when there are plenty of actual proofreading mistakes in this.
[Okay, you all should know not to give your dang Ocs legendairies! Especially not Mew! Also, never give a ten year old spaghetti strapped tops or miniskirts. I mean, do you want them to be raped before tey get their darn it Pokémon?
Also, be realistic with their looks. No kid wakes up with perfect curls. Trust me! I've had to go through life with thick curls and not a day goes by when I can't do something to it.
Furthermore, a ten year old should not be able to drive a car better than an adult driver. Nor should they make perfect circle pancakes. And please, don't make them totally lovable! If we wanted lovable we'd all go watch Care Bears talk about getting along. Give them faults.
Anywayz, I'll update this if it sparks anyone's attention. The next chapter will focus more so on other
OC issues.]
...haha, it's funny because it's okay to rape girls as long as they have a short skirt? And oh, it's sueish to get a legendary thank god you've taken such a controversial stance that really needed to be said. God, this reads like a parody of bad parodies. I'm going to just assume that's what you meant and tell you did a good job.
Sidenote: Do not look at the reviews. You'll regret it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6370043/1/Monsters
I...can't quite figure out what this one's about. The opening makes it sound like the professor did something terrible, then it seems the main character's just deluded, then something about abused kids in a lab. It'd have had a lot more impact if I had any idea what was going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6373326/1/Horrorscope
Hm, I find the old trope of the abandoned house a bit unconvincing - someone has to own it or it should just get torn down, at least if it's in a settled neighborhood as seems to be implied by his neighbors hearing his death - but it's possible and it is a necessary setup.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
For dialogue, if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, if you mean "let us", it's "let's", the contraction.
Hm, you do pretty good with atmosphere, but it's not really much as horror, since the threat is quite understandable. There are ghost pokemon, the ghost pokemon happen to be powerful enough to win. It wouldn't really change anything if he went to sleep somewhere that happened to have a bunch of really powerful rattata or something.
Also, even with your attempted explanation for why they don't deal with it...I don't see why they don't deal with it. If one trainer lost, bring in more. If it's really unbeatable, put up a sign saying that there's a really strong pokemon that lives there, instead of saying nothing and being surprised when some kid wanders in because he thinks it's just superstition.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6373326/2/Horrorscope
...god, people are dumb. Why don't they move, or catch more fire pokemon, or get together with the two people who do have fire types that can fight them off, or just get together in general to fight them, or try to hunt them at other parts of the year?
...and there are cave that are too small for the metagross to get into, and yet it never occurred to people to spend a few weeks there and avoid the end of autumn metagross?
And now the golem is killed because his trainer tried arguing with a large predator to leave him alone instead of, say, recalling him, or having the other pokemon attack to distract it. I don't feel sympathy when characters are so complicit in their own misfortunes.
And now random deus ex machina, the golem is possessing the other dead metagross and turning into a new pokemon because...uh...because. So they win? Yay?
Wait, why was a golem using fire punch instead of earthquake against a steel type anyway?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6374673/1/The_House
Why is the building called "The House" and not "the House"? Pretty sure the latter capitalization is the one that's right.
[The House, as it was simply and efficiently named, had been built decades earlier; the builders had envisioned it as the start of a new town. They and their family lived there for 28 years, waiting for someone else to join them. When no one came, the owners moved to Olivine City. ]
...what exactly where they doing there on there on? Were they farmers? How were they getting supplies? ( Why did they think there'd be a new town built there? Or, if they were as close to the city as modern-day Ecruteak, since when is two miles sufficient distance to start a completely new town?)
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When all of Roland's Pokémon arrived in the living room, they found their surrogate father lying in a pool of his own blood, the culprit having long since escaped. ]
Why'd it take ghost pokemon so long to respond? A gunshot is loud and if the intruder was making so much noise to alert him in the first place, they should have already heard him.
[In his will, Roland had left The House to the city of Ecruteak]
Why? That's kind of random. It'd make more sense if it was a matter of having no will/living heirs and the town got it to pay for funeral arrangements or back taxes or whatever.
[The long trips into town were occasionally exhausting ]
I really don't think you understand how far "two miles" actually is.
[They saw their sweet little Jack standing in front of his closed bedroom door, a look of concern on his face.
Jan grabbed him by the shoulders and stared him directly in the eyes, too frenzied to percieve the fact that there was something odd about them. "What was that noise, Jack? Are you alright?" She had a vice-grip on the little boy that surely should have been painful, but Jack did not even wince.
"I'm sorry, Mommy," he said in a sickeningly sweet voice, "I slammed the door. But where is Olivia? I can hear her. Can't you? Don't you want to know where Olivia is?"]
Too soon, I think. It'd be much creepier if you let the tension build a bit and only had Jack start to behave wrong at ["Mommy and Daddy are coming too." He turned around, his already charred face and strangely dim, reddish eyes staring straight at Jan and David. "Aren't you coming? Won't you try to save your own children? Don't you care about them?" ] which is pretty eerie but undercut by the fact you make it clear well in advance that he's already possessed or killed.
You could also probably cut the ending, it's just some gratuitous gore and a let down from the ["Of course not. You could never love them as much as we loved our father." What scalded meat was left on Jack's face twisted into a demented smile, and the gaseous purple entity flowed out of his disfigured nose. ] lines, which are much stronger.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6378728/1/The_Grand_Hallucination
All dialogue needs some form of punctuation at the end, not just when you feel like it.
[afterall.]
Spellcheck.
It's only written Dad when it's being used in place of a name. In constructions like my/her/the dad, it's written as such.
[he was not shrivelled with age like most Mummies and Daddies ]
She's sounding like a really little kid, and I don't think most little kids have parents in their fifties.
I don't think I've ever encountered the term "granddada". There's a lot of alternate terms that are in moderately common use, surely you could use one of those?
[Alice still breathed heavily, she was uneasy about all this. She didn't like dreams with no beginning ]
So she didn't like most dreams then?
[he wasn't warm and safe like a Daddy should be, he was cold and bitter, full of adolescent rage. Alice didn't know what an adolescent was, but she'd heard Grandma and Granddada call him it ]
Yeah, no. If she only knows the term because she's heard him called it, she wouldn't be able to ID his anger as being that type. If you want to make a big deal about how little your narrator knows, you've got to stick with it.
And wow, that made no real sense. So she's getting brought down to be sacrificed or something, Oak feels bad about this and then suddenly stops feeling bad, she goes down and something shows up and talks to her. I guess since this is the first chapter there might be explanations coming later, but you could make this a bit less choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6381983/1/Butterfly_Lungs
[It's going to be the bravest trip of my life ]
Your word choice feels off in a number of places - scariest would fit here, but not bravest, or something like "going on this trip would be the bravest thing I've done".
[He's dependable, and probably still lingering with sadness and depression; I can tell by the emotionless gaze reflected in his narrowed eyes. ]
Similarly, emotionless doesn't work well if you mean he's depressed. "Dull" gets across a similar idea without sounding contradictory.
[my father is nowhere in compels ]
Nowhere in sight, I think.
Anyway, this is certainly quite creepy, the only thing I find confusing is what kicks it off and how she ends up in the lake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6382566/1/The_Advent_Of_Darkness
This is terrible. You repeat your first paragraph, you've got random capitalization left and right, your actual storyline is horrible...
[He got in his spacious cabin and looked on the wall. On the left side of the wall, one picture changed constantly, showing similar versions of a girl, a brunette with a nice ass and perfect rack. She was naked, and in a sexual position on someones dick every picture, a lustful grin on her face. That was always the interrogation she wanted, to have sex. And the horny team aqua members couldn't resist. And the girl was always similar every year, though she was never the same. Her name was always May. ]
Yeah I'm just going to stop here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6385794/1/Descending_Part_1
Okay, so you shouldn't have "Part 1" in your title, chapters don't get posted separately.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Why aren't they using their pokemon?
[They were walking for a few minutes, when May noticed some light.
"Guys, I found some light!" She shouted as she began to run.
"No May, Wait!" Misty shouted. "It's not daylight!" She shouted as she ran after her.]
...so, what was it?
["EAT!" he shouted. A monster was crawling up behind him. The others just stared as they backed away. "WHAT'S WRONG! EAT!" Brock shouted. The monster jumped on top of him. The others ran. "ASH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU WONT EAT!" He shouted. The others were gone. Brock fell to the ground. "eat." He said weakly.
The others were in another area of the cave. "You weren't lying!" Dawn shouted. "There are monsters!" She dropped May on the ground.
"I told you guys!" Misty shouted. Ash's stomach growled.
"I wish we could have had at least something to eat!" Ash moaned. "I'm still hungry!" he shouted.
"Me too! I want a carrot, Oh wait! I do have one!" She shouted as her mouth watered. She reached into her bag and grabbed one. "yum..." She said.
Ash's mouth was watering. "Can I have a bite?" He asked as he reached over. Dawn snapped him. "Ouch! She bit me!" Ash shouted.
"It's mine! He he he he he!" She shouted as she ran off.
"Oh great! we lost her!" Ash shouted.
"Don't worry! I stole her bag, she wont be gone for long!" May shouted.]
Okay this is just getting steadily dumber and dumber, so I'm going to stop reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6393649/1/The_Plush_Doll
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
And that was kind of sweet and sad. I would have liked making it clearer how the banette doll gets discarded, since in the first scene with the new doll the girl insists the plush one is still her favorite, and then in the next it's been abandoned on her dresser for some time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6396851/1/The_Infection
[The researchers found a virus or something.]
This kind of noncommittal tone doesn't really get across the seriousness I think you were going for here.
Also, can we please take the moronic "virus raises the dead" cliché out back and shoot it until it finally stays down? If anything was going to make dead bodies get back up again, it wouldn't be viruses, since they RELY ON living cell machinery to function.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[After I was out on Route 29 I spotted a Furret, it was starring off into the trees, as if looking for something. It soon took notice of me and charged at me. I order my Magneton to hit it with a Thunder Wave to stun it. After it recovered it was no longer hostile to me. Instead, it turns its attention to a Sentret. I didn't know those things could run that fast. Magneton just goes off and launches a Thunder attack on it, I told him to stop but he didn't. After the Sentret dropped to the floor it started to get up again. The Furret dashed towards it as if to attack and got scratched pretty badly by the Sentret. Magneton launched another Thunder on the Sentret, this time it didn't get up. The Furret lied down and started to gasp for air. I should have realized that something wasn't right. I tried to run toward it to see if anything was wrong but was stopped by Magneton. ]
I really can't make heads or tails of this sequence. Also, you keep switching tenses, which is annoying.
[Once I managed to find him I explained what had happened to me on Route 29. He told me that there is something bad happening and they were told to evacuate New Bark and head directly for Olivine City.]
Do these people have no concept of quarantine? He's just come in to say he saw weirdly behaving, ie infected, pokemon.
Write out numbers with letters.
...this seems to just be a generic zombie apocalypse. It's not even particularly engaging, since the way you write it is just of a summary of the events, the most boring type. Show, don't tell.
[This gave us three possible conclusions. Either they had already attacked and killed everything in Olivine, the infected were being held back by the troops located there, or we would all die before we got there. ]
Uh, options one or two have nothing to do with if they're going to die.
Why would ships be safe or water stop the spread? It infects pokemon and pokemon live in the sea. Again, utterly generic zombie apocalypse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6413899/1/Hide_and_Seek
Hm, decent but not really anything new.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6416258/1/Poison_and_Poetry
[A young woman leaned against an alcove, relishing the feel of the cool stone against the bare flesh of the back her neck. Her smoky brown curls were piled high atop her head, a few silken strands falling to frame her pretty face and her pale skin standing in stark contrast to her full crimson stained lips. A black masquerade mask crafted in the shape of outspread wings laced and trimmed with silver covered the top half of her face, the utter darkness of it causing her bright cobalt eyes to glow with an almost unnatural light. The elegant contours of her neck were accented by the velvet and lace trimmed choker of onyx black set with a silver charm that lay nestled in the hollow of her throat. Her gown was the colour of a moonless night. Ebony silk trimmed with silver glittered in the light of the hanging lanterns; the corset accentuating every curve and the broad scoop neck showing the barest hint of the top of her shoulders and the swell of her bosom. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, growing slightly dizzy at the sight of the pantomime and flashing sequins swirling before her. She opened her eyes and was immediately drawn to the flash of crimson weaving through the crowd. ]
Way, way too much description at once.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Trembling from head to toe she slowly turned and saw the coal black wolf pokémon sitting before a kneeling Maximilian. ]
Look, this is already an utterly generic story that has nothing to do with the category you're posting in, the least you could do is actually use a pokemon's name directly.
Well, I guess you do a good job at the really overwrought description of these sorts of stories, but this is OOC and AU, you just wrote a gothic vampire pastiche and said it was Pokemon fanfic because you gave them the same names.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6417007/1/Feral
[Its DNA was laced with the experiment, but while the other tests had 'broken', this one endured. But it didn't take. ]
Poor wording. I'd go with just saying that the others died.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[as if that had been Trainer-induced ]
What would that mean?
[He had promised his daughter an Eevee for her birthday, and had initially planned on getting one from his friend in Cerulean City, Bill.
However, the slumbering Eevee had been too good an opportunity to pass up.]
Way too contrived. The odds of the one person stumbling on this one being on his way to get one anyway are ridiculous. Just say he'd promised his daughter a cute pokemon and found this one on his way to the breeder, it's much easier to believe.
[Apparently had been planning to get his daughter an Eevee for her tenth birthday. ]
Why would this be included in the death report?
...and wow, that didn't really go anywhere. A succession of people meet the eevee and end up killed, and then we're reminded that shadow pokemon with hyper mode exist because I guess you felt it wasn't obvious, and then it ends.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6417049/1/The_First_Umbreon
...that was pretty stupid. Lame mad scientist with a servant named Igor, and how does giving an eevee some weird formula to evolve it into an umbreon make all other eevee gain the ability to evolve into unbreon?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6424550/1/Dead_End
Endless one line paragraphs are tiresome, and they're only more so when half of them are sentence fragments.
...and wow, that was dull and predictable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6426454/1/Oh_Paulie_Pie
Ugh, that was inane.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6427806/1/Nightmare_requirem
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Why would an eevee be so upset at the thought of evolving into an umbreon?
[My family soon grew tired of me complaining about my dreams and had decided that leaving me in an isolated part of the forest would be the best thing for me. They just abandoned me, just like that. ]
Wow, that's wangsty and nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6428601/1/Halloween_Fever
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Conner groaned. "God, you're such an eeveelution whore, I swear. Whatever, I pick Typhlosion. Water types, which would you fuck?"]
Truly, your story is deserving of being rated Mature. I'm sure astounded by how adult you seem.
Okay, so you know that rule about a new paragraph meaning a new speaker? That doesn't mean you should make giant walls of text just because you haven't switched to a different speaker, you should still use paragraphs within dialogue.
[They, ghosts, not ghosts pokemon, also tend to stick together, which explains why there are so many sightings in graveyards, they stick close, feeding off one another and thriving on the collective energy. ]
How does that make sense.
And now we've got ghost rape. Yeah, I'm done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6435565/1/Halloween_Horrorfest_4_Curse_of_Wizard_Itchy
This is incredibly dull.
[" No, no, no ! " ]
You shouldn't have those spaces. "No, no, no!" is how this should be formatted.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Misty never thought she could feel so many emotions through just feeding them. It felt slimy to dip her hands in the cool water and help, and creepy to drop kibbles into the Diglett holes ]
Why would water feel slimy? And what's so creepy about dropping kibble in a hole?
Gary's pretty OOC.
And now Gary just happens to know about some random guy Ash was friends with who has powers that do exactly what they're seeing, and who no one ever brought up before or tried to deal with despite them being ridiculously powerful.
And somehow crippling him will make him stop using his powers because it'll make him feel dead inside, because that is a totally logical assumption to make when he uses his powers to get revenge.
[He pointed to a lifeless figure that rolled out from under the bed, female with long, brown hair. Tracey threw up on the rug, while Misty's face grew even paler. " Dude...is that Daisy Oak ? "
" Sure is ! " Ritchie replied. " A tempting mistress, she was. More powerful than the best Expecto Patronus. I picked her up on the side of the road and we let that magick-with-a-k flow. 'Course she was yelling about how she'd make me pay if I told her brother about it. " He sighed. " I would've let her go, but then she kicked me in the Sorcerer's Stones. And so my Nimbus grew stiff with anger, and I had to kill her with my spells. Now that I think about it, she was probably from Slytherin. That's when I began itching. "
" Would you knock it off with that geek talk ? "
" Muggle woman, I shall not be insulted ! "]
Yeah, I think I'm done here. This is shit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6439436/1/Pokemon_Haunted_Hike
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Moments later, the girl in charge of the bulletin board came by to put up some more flyers when she saw the Haunted Hike flyer. "That's odd. I never recall putting this up."]
Uh, isn't the point of a bulletin board that different people can put flyers up?
Hm, pretty good atmosphere.
And yeah, I can see blowing off a warning when it's Halloween, it could be a prank or even an employee.
[Dez looked up to see the moon was now covered by clouds, many more clouds now in the sky making it very dark. ]
That's not a good sentence. Really, you could just stop at the first "clouds"
[Manectric roared behind him as it used Thunderbolt shocking the great dog. "You will pay infidels!" roared the might dog as it ran forward at Manectric. ]
Okay, remember when I said good atmosphere? You just killed that atmosphere. Creepy warnings are creepy. Creepy changing text is creepy. Creepy changing photos are creepy. Shouting dog? Not creepy.
Why is he still trying to do the scavenger hunt? Hasn't he figured out something's wrong? If you want him to keep going, you need to dole out the "oh shit!" moments a bit more carefully, you just had a long string of impossible events and having him shrug them off makes him look crazy.
[Their eyes almost were nonexistence as Dez gasped in horror to see that some part of their bodies were not theirs, but just bones moving on their own. ]
This sentence is a mess. You should really get a beta reader.
["Why are you scared?" it spoke in a nasal tone. "I heard you liked the Mudkips." ]
And wow, infidel arcanine was killing the atmosphere, this is killing any interest I have in your story at all.
["Okay boy, this sound crazy, but whatever happened back there has to do with this stupid treasure hunt," Dez said not believing his own words. "Maybe if we find all of them, this will stop." ]
Wait what? He takes a picture of the gravestone, something bad happens. He takes a picture of the pokeball, something bad happens. Why would taking pictures of the rest of them improve matters?
Look, the point where the protagonist realizes what's going on is bad and wants to stop is pretty common in horror stories, and there's an established way of dealing with it - the protagonist tries to leave and finds it's impossible. For example, having established that the physical world is mutable, he tries to backtrack and finds he can't - anything from plants having grown over the path to massive chasms that block the way.
Or, for more subtlety, instead of the introduction to the game saying he could quit any time, have it set up that you can't leave until you find all the things, for whatever reason. Maybe the gate is locked or something and he's told he'll get the key when he's done, or maybe the scavenger hunt follows a set path and the way out is at the other end. Or, since the pokemon seem to be chasing him, he could even reason he couldn't backtrack for risk of hitting them - although why he'd keep taking pictures in that case is beyond me.
...and then somehow it works. Look, it's really annoying to have characters just pull the right solution out of thin air. It's annoying that they somehow know it'll work, because it reads like you couldn't be bothered to think about what your character's reasoning would be, you just decided you wanted it to happen so the character did it.
Ugh, and then we get the lame "all just a dream ending" followed by the even lamer followup "or was it????"
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6439623/1/NonLinear_Time
[My left eye shows me the sun as it once was - nothing but glittering space dust in an endless sea of darkness. But then I see the dust begin to gather together and glow brightly - the sun is born, and the rest of the solar system is soon to follow. It is a brief (though I know that this process actually took eons), but beautiful scene.
But my right eye shows the opposite; it shows the sun as old and decrepit, hanging in the sky above a barren landscape. I see it suddenly turn as red as blood. Is see its redness fill the entire sky...and then I see the land burnt to nothingness by it. I then see it cast off its redness and become a tiny white speck before burning out forever.]
Yeah, I find that concept terribly depressing too.
I feel you could have developed this further, but it works and does give a much creepier feel to the pokedex entry. Entropy is much worse than any particular disaster.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6440733/1/Ghostly_Film
I like this. The relationship between the two is sweet in its way.
The way he can't tell the two apart at all strikes me as forced though - it'd work a bit better if Lyra wasn't talking to him or at least sounded similar (you can't do anything about their looks, and I guess it works on a certain meta level). I'm also confused about why Red is this crazy - I was assuming something to do with Kris's death, but it seems he wasn't involved at all and had no idea.
Not sure why Green never told him or why he's surprised Red wouldn't assume Kris was dead - it's not like people generally assume their friend is dead, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6441361/1/Wake_Up
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don't write thoughts with quotation marks.
And yup, so he's the killer. That was kind of easy to see coming. The conversation with Spiritomb goes on too long and it's pretty dull stuff - and their motive really doesn't make sense, they seem to be more randomly murderous than trying to get revenge on him in particular.
So yeah, horror is better written on average, whatever that means.
Some of that is kind of by default - a lot of these lacked dialogue, so there wasn't any chance to fuck it up. And I suspect if I read a lot of them I'd get as sick of vague creepy stuff that in the end doesn't add up to anything coherent as I do of eevee starters. But mechanically, these were much better on average than when I did a straight run through of the category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I, Andrew, Pokémon Trainer, mumbled as I slowly opened my eyes, waiting for my eyes to dilate to the room's dull lighting. As I gained my vision back from my rest, I saw five Unown; floating, flat, eye-shaped Pokémon, whose bodies are the shapes of letters, dancing around me, laughing gleefully. ]
Your sentence structure hurts. Rearrange those into smoother sentences or break them into smaller ones.
["Leave?" I said, questioning what they were trying to tell me ]
Or you could have just said "Leave?" I asked. Seriously, you don't get good writer points by expressing things in the longest way possible.
Your narrator is way too chatty. I don't get any sense of building horror, they just come off as dumb and a loudmouth.
And now it's more random things. They're kind of shocking, I guess, but they're just not presented well, it's all rushed and there's no sense of atmosphere.
So zombie Celebi is bitching that Andrew beat Red, because apparently Red is some sort of mentally unstable wuss who everyone has to coddle and let win or else he'll have a breakdown. It doesn't sound dramatic, just absurd.
And then it's all a dream. Eh. Pretty pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6369608/1/The_Adventures_of_Mary_Sue
[Most people make their Ocs ]
…Urk. I really hate when people do this when they don't even know basic things like that it's written OC, being an abbreviation for Original Character. This whole thing seems like bandwagon jumping, you get that people don't like them so you're bashing them too, but you're not saying anything new. Plus, your jokey "mistakes" come off as pretty hypocritical when there are plenty of actual proofreading mistakes in this.
[Okay, you all should know not to give your dang Ocs legendairies! Especially not Mew! Also, never give a ten year old spaghetti strapped tops or miniskirts. I mean, do you want them to be raped before tey get their darn it Pokémon?
Also, be realistic with their looks. No kid wakes up with perfect curls. Trust me! I've had to go through life with thick curls and not a day goes by when I can't do something to it.
Furthermore, a ten year old should not be able to drive a car better than an adult driver. Nor should they make perfect circle pancakes. And please, don't make them totally lovable! If we wanted lovable we'd all go watch Care Bears talk about getting along. Give them faults.
Anywayz, I'll update this if it sparks anyone's attention. The next chapter will focus more so on other
OC issues.]
...haha, it's funny because it's okay to rape girls as long as they have a short skirt? And oh, it's sueish to get a legendary thank god you've taken such a controversial stance that really needed to be said. God, this reads like a parody of bad parodies. I'm going to just assume that's what you meant and tell you did a good job.
Sidenote: Do not look at the reviews. You'll regret it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6370043/1/Monsters
I...can't quite figure out what this one's about. The opening makes it sound like the professor did something terrible, then it seems the main character's just deluded, then something about abused kids in a lab. It'd have had a lot more impact if I had any idea what was going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6373326/1/Horrorscope
Hm, I find the old trope of the abandoned house a bit unconvincing - someone has to own it or it should just get torn down, at least if it's in a settled neighborhood as seems to be implied by his neighbors hearing his death - but it's possible and it is a necessary setup.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
For dialogue, if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, if you mean "let us", it's "let's", the contraction.
Hm, you do pretty good with atmosphere, but it's not really much as horror, since the threat is quite understandable. There are ghost pokemon, the ghost pokemon happen to be powerful enough to win. It wouldn't really change anything if he went to sleep somewhere that happened to have a bunch of really powerful rattata or something.
Also, even with your attempted explanation for why they don't deal with it...I don't see why they don't deal with it. If one trainer lost, bring in more. If it's really unbeatable, put up a sign saying that there's a really strong pokemon that lives there, instead of saying nothing and being surprised when some kid wanders in because he thinks it's just superstition.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6373326/2/Horrorscope
...god, people are dumb. Why don't they move, or catch more fire pokemon, or get together with the two people who do have fire types that can fight them off, or just get together in general to fight them, or try to hunt them at other parts of the year?
...and there are cave that are too small for the metagross to get into, and yet it never occurred to people to spend a few weeks there and avoid the end of autumn metagross?
And now the golem is killed because his trainer tried arguing with a large predator to leave him alone instead of, say, recalling him, or having the other pokemon attack to distract it. I don't feel sympathy when characters are so complicit in their own misfortunes.
And now random deus ex machina, the golem is possessing the other dead metagross and turning into a new pokemon because...uh...because. So they win? Yay?
Wait, why was a golem using fire punch instead of earthquake against a steel type anyway?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6374673/1/The_House
Why is the building called "The House" and not "the House"? Pretty sure the latter capitalization is the one that's right.
[The House, as it was simply and efficiently named, had been built decades earlier; the builders had envisioned it as the start of a new town. They and their family lived there for 28 years, waiting for someone else to join them. When no one came, the owners moved to Olivine City. ]
...what exactly where they doing there on there on? Were they farmers? How were they getting supplies? ( Why did they think there'd be a new town built there? Or, if they were as close to the city as modern-day Ecruteak, since when is two miles sufficient distance to start a completely new town?)
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When all of Roland's Pokémon arrived in the living room, they found their surrogate father lying in a pool of his own blood, the culprit having long since escaped. ]
Why'd it take ghost pokemon so long to respond? A gunshot is loud and if the intruder was making so much noise to alert him in the first place, they should have already heard him.
[In his will, Roland had left The House to the city of Ecruteak]
Why? That's kind of random. It'd make more sense if it was a matter of having no will/living heirs and the town got it to pay for funeral arrangements or back taxes or whatever.
[The long trips into town were occasionally exhausting ]
I really don't think you understand how far "two miles" actually is.
[They saw their sweet little Jack standing in front of his closed bedroom door, a look of concern on his face.
Jan grabbed him by the shoulders and stared him directly in the eyes, too frenzied to percieve the fact that there was something odd about them. "What was that noise, Jack? Are you alright?" She had a vice-grip on the little boy that surely should have been painful, but Jack did not even wince.
"I'm sorry, Mommy," he said in a sickeningly sweet voice, "I slammed the door. But where is Olivia? I can hear her. Can't you? Don't you want to know where Olivia is?"]
Too soon, I think. It'd be much creepier if you let the tension build a bit and only had Jack start to behave wrong at ["Mommy and Daddy are coming too." He turned around, his already charred face and strangely dim, reddish eyes staring straight at Jan and David. "Aren't you coming? Won't you try to save your own children? Don't you care about them?" ] which is pretty eerie but undercut by the fact you make it clear well in advance that he's already possessed or killed.
You could also probably cut the ending, it's just some gratuitous gore and a let down from the ["Of course not. You could never love them as much as we loved our father." What scalded meat was left on Jack's face twisted into a demented smile, and the gaseous purple entity flowed out of his disfigured nose. ] lines, which are much stronger.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6378728/1/The_Grand_Hallucination
All dialogue needs some form of punctuation at the end, not just when you feel like it.
[afterall.]
Spellcheck.
It's only written Dad when it's being used in place of a name. In constructions like my/her/the dad, it's written as such.
[he was not shrivelled with age like most Mummies and Daddies ]
She's sounding like a really little kid, and I don't think most little kids have parents in their fifties.
I don't think I've ever encountered the term "granddada". There's a lot of alternate terms that are in moderately common use, surely you could use one of those?
[Alice still breathed heavily, she was uneasy about all this. She didn't like dreams with no beginning ]
So she didn't like most dreams then?
[he wasn't warm and safe like a Daddy should be, he was cold and bitter, full of adolescent rage. Alice didn't know what an adolescent was, but she'd heard Grandma and Granddada call him it ]
Yeah, no. If she only knows the term because she's heard him called it, she wouldn't be able to ID his anger as being that type. If you want to make a big deal about how little your narrator knows, you've got to stick with it.
And wow, that made no real sense. So she's getting brought down to be sacrificed or something, Oak feels bad about this and then suddenly stops feeling bad, she goes down and something shows up and talks to her. I guess since this is the first chapter there might be explanations coming later, but you could make this a bit less choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6381983/1/Butterfly_Lungs
[It's going to be the bravest trip of my life ]
Your word choice feels off in a number of places - scariest would fit here, but not bravest, or something like "going on this trip would be the bravest thing I've done".
[He's dependable, and probably still lingering with sadness and depression; I can tell by the emotionless gaze reflected in his narrowed eyes. ]
Similarly, emotionless doesn't work well if you mean he's depressed. "Dull" gets across a similar idea without sounding contradictory.
[my father is nowhere in compels ]
Nowhere in sight, I think.
Anyway, this is certainly quite creepy, the only thing I find confusing is what kicks it off and how she ends up in the lake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6382566/1/The_Advent_Of_Darkness
This is terrible. You repeat your first paragraph, you've got random capitalization left and right, your actual storyline is horrible...
[He got in his spacious cabin and looked on the wall. On the left side of the wall, one picture changed constantly, showing similar versions of a girl, a brunette with a nice ass and perfect rack. She was naked, and in a sexual position on someones dick every picture, a lustful grin on her face. That was always the interrogation she wanted, to have sex. And the horny team aqua members couldn't resist. And the girl was always similar every year, though she was never the same. Her name was always May. ]
Yeah I'm just going to stop here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6385794/1/Descending_Part_1
Okay, so you shouldn't have "Part 1" in your title, chapters don't get posted separately.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Why aren't they using their pokemon?
[They were walking for a few minutes, when May noticed some light.
"Guys, I found some light!" She shouted as she began to run.
"No May, Wait!" Misty shouted. "It's not daylight!" She shouted as she ran after her.]
...so, what was it?
["EAT!" he shouted. A monster was crawling up behind him. The others just stared as they backed away. "WHAT'S WRONG! EAT!" Brock shouted. The monster jumped on top of him. The others ran. "ASH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU WONT EAT!" He shouted. The others were gone. Brock fell to the ground. "eat." He said weakly.
The others were in another area of the cave. "You weren't lying!" Dawn shouted. "There are monsters!" She dropped May on the ground.
"I told you guys!" Misty shouted. Ash's stomach growled.
"I wish we could have had at least something to eat!" Ash moaned. "I'm still hungry!" he shouted.
"Me too! I want a carrot, Oh wait! I do have one!" She shouted as her mouth watered. She reached into her bag and grabbed one. "yum..." She said.
Ash's mouth was watering. "Can I have a bite?" He asked as he reached over. Dawn snapped him. "Ouch! She bit me!" Ash shouted.
"It's mine! He he he he he!" She shouted as she ran off.
"Oh great! we lost her!" Ash shouted.
"Don't worry! I stole her bag, she wont be gone for long!" May shouted.]
Okay this is just getting steadily dumber and dumber, so I'm going to stop reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6393649/1/The_Plush_Doll
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
And that was kind of sweet and sad. I would have liked making it clearer how the banette doll gets discarded, since in the first scene with the new doll the girl insists the plush one is still her favorite, and then in the next it's been abandoned on her dresser for some time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6396851/1/The_Infection
[The researchers found a virus or something.]
This kind of noncommittal tone doesn't really get across the seriousness I think you were going for here.
Also, can we please take the moronic "virus raises the dead" cliché out back and shoot it until it finally stays down? If anything was going to make dead bodies get back up again, it wouldn't be viruses, since they RELY ON living cell machinery to function.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[After I was out on Route 29 I spotted a Furret, it was starring off into the trees, as if looking for something. It soon took notice of me and charged at me. I order my Magneton to hit it with a Thunder Wave to stun it. After it recovered it was no longer hostile to me. Instead, it turns its attention to a Sentret. I didn't know those things could run that fast. Magneton just goes off and launches a Thunder attack on it, I told him to stop but he didn't. After the Sentret dropped to the floor it started to get up again. The Furret dashed towards it as if to attack and got scratched pretty badly by the Sentret. Magneton launched another Thunder on the Sentret, this time it didn't get up. The Furret lied down and started to gasp for air. I should have realized that something wasn't right. I tried to run toward it to see if anything was wrong but was stopped by Magneton. ]
I really can't make heads or tails of this sequence. Also, you keep switching tenses, which is annoying.
[Once I managed to find him I explained what had happened to me on Route 29. He told me that there is something bad happening and they were told to evacuate New Bark and head directly for Olivine City.]
Do these people have no concept of quarantine? He's just come in to say he saw weirdly behaving, ie infected, pokemon.
Write out numbers with letters.
...this seems to just be a generic zombie apocalypse. It's not even particularly engaging, since the way you write it is just of a summary of the events, the most boring type. Show, don't tell.
[This gave us three possible conclusions. Either they had already attacked and killed everything in Olivine, the infected were being held back by the troops located there, or we would all die before we got there. ]
Uh, options one or two have nothing to do with if they're going to die.
Why would ships be safe or water stop the spread? It infects pokemon and pokemon live in the sea. Again, utterly generic zombie apocalypse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6413899/1/Hide_and_Seek
Hm, decent but not really anything new.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6416258/1/Poison_and_Poetry
[A young woman leaned against an alcove, relishing the feel of the cool stone against the bare flesh of the back her neck. Her smoky brown curls were piled high atop her head, a few silken strands falling to frame her pretty face and her pale skin standing in stark contrast to her full crimson stained lips. A black masquerade mask crafted in the shape of outspread wings laced and trimmed with silver covered the top half of her face, the utter darkness of it causing her bright cobalt eyes to glow with an almost unnatural light. The elegant contours of her neck were accented by the velvet and lace trimmed choker of onyx black set with a silver charm that lay nestled in the hollow of her throat. Her gown was the colour of a moonless night. Ebony silk trimmed with silver glittered in the light of the hanging lanterns; the corset accentuating every curve and the broad scoop neck showing the barest hint of the top of her shoulders and the swell of her bosom. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, growing slightly dizzy at the sight of the pantomime and flashing sequins swirling before her. She opened her eyes and was immediately drawn to the flash of crimson weaving through the crowd. ]
Way, way too much description at once.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Trembling from head to toe she slowly turned and saw the coal black wolf pokémon sitting before a kneeling Maximilian. ]
Look, this is already an utterly generic story that has nothing to do with the category you're posting in, the least you could do is actually use a pokemon's name directly.
Well, I guess you do a good job at the really overwrought description of these sorts of stories, but this is OOC and AU, you just wrote a gothic vampire pastiche and said it was Pokemon fanfic because you gave them the same names.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6417007/1/Feral
[Its DNA was laced with the experiment, but while the other tests had 'broken', this one endured. But it didn't take. ]
Poor wording. I'd go with just saying that the others died.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[as if that had been Trainer-induced ]
What would that mean?
[He had promised his daughter an Eevee for her birthday, and had initially planned on getting one from his friend in Cerulean City, Bill.
However, the slumbering Eevee had been too good an opportunity to pass up.]
Way too contrived. The odds of the one person stumbling on this one being on his way to get one anyway are ridiculous. Just say he'd promised his daughter a cute pokemon and found this one on his way to the breeder, it's much easier to believe.
[Apparently had been planning to get his daughter an Eevee for her tenth birthday. ]
Why would this be included in the death report?
...and wow, that didn't really go anywhere. A succession of people meet the eevee and end up killed, and then we're reminded that shadow pokemon with hyper mode exist because I guess you felt it wasn't obvious, and then it ends.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6417049/1/The_First_Umbreon
...that was pretty stupid. Lame mad scientist with a servant named Igor, and how does giving an eevee some weird formula to evolve it into an umbreon make all other eevee gain the ability to evolve into unbreon?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6424550/1/Dead_End
Endless one line paragraphs are tiresome, and they're only more so when half of them are sentence fragments.
...and wow, that was dull and predictable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6426454/1/Oh_Paulie_Pie
Ugh, that was inane.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6427806/1/Nightmare_requirem
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Why would an eevee be so upset at the thought of evolving into an umbreon?
[My family soon grew tired of me complaining about my dreams and had decided that leaving me in an isolated part of the forest would be the best thing for me. They just abandoned me, just like that. ]
Wow, that's wangsty and nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6428601/1/Halloween_Fever
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Conner groaned. "God, you're such an eeveelution whore, I swear. Whatever, I pick Typhlosion. Water types, which would you fuck?"]
Truly, your story is deserving of being rated Mature. I'm sure astounded by how adult you seem.
Okay, so you know that rule about a new paragraph meaning a new speaker? That doesn't mean you should make giant walls of text just because you haven't switched to a different speaker, you should still use paragraphs within dialogue.
[They, ghosts, not ghosts pokemon, also tend to stick together, which explains why there are so many sightings in graveyards, they stick close, feeding off one another and thriving on the collective energy. ]
How does that make sense.
And now we've got ghost rape. Yeah, I'm done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6435565/1/Halloween_Horrorfest_4_Curse_of_Wizard_Itchy
This is incredibly dull.
[" No, no, no ! " ]
You shouldn't have those spaces. "No, no, no!" is how this should be formatted.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Misty never thought she could feel so many emotions through just feeding them. It felt slimy to dip her hands in the cool water and help, and creepy to drop kibbles into the Diglett holes ]
Why would water feel slimy? And what's so creepy about dropping kibble in a hole?
Gary's pretty OOC.
And now Gary just happens to know about some random guy Ash was friends with who has powers that do exactly what they're seeing, and who no one ever brought up before or tried to deal with despite them being ridiculously powerful.
And somehow crippling him will make him stop using his powers because it'll make him feel dead inside, because that is a totally logical assumption to make when he uses his powers to get revenge.
[He pointed to a lifeless figure that rolled out from under the bed, female with long, brown hair. Tracey threw up on the rug, while Misty's face grew even paler. " Dude...is that Daisy Oak ? "
" Sure is ! " Ritchie replied. " A tempting mistress, she was. More powerful than the best Expecto Patronus. I picked her up on the side of the road and we let that magick-with-a-k flow. 'Course she was yelling about how she'd make me pay if I told her brother about it. " He sighed. " I would've let her go, but then she kicked me in the Sorcerer's Stones. And so my Nimbus grew stiff with anger, and I had to kill her with my spells. Now that I think about it, she was probably from Slytherin. That's when I began itching. "
" Would you knock it off with that geek talk ? "
" Muggle woman, I shall not be insulted ! "]
Yeah, I think I'm done here. This is shit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6439436/1/Pokemon_Haunted_Hike
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Moments later, the girl in charge of the bulletin board came by to put up some more flyers when she saw the Haunted Hike flyer. "That's odd. I never recall putting this up."]
Uh, isn't the point of a bulletin board that different people can put flyers up?
Hm, pretty good atmosphere.
And yeah, I can see blowing off a warning when it's Halloween, it could be a prank or even an employee.
[Dez looked up to see the moon was now covered by clouds, many more clouds now in the sky making it very dark. ]
That's not a good sentence. Really, you could just stop at the first "clouds"
[Manectric roared behind him as it used Thunderbolt shocking the great dog. "You will pay infidels!" roared the might dog as it ran forward at Manectric. ]
Okay, remember when I said good atmosphere? You just killed that atmosphere. Creepy warnings are creepy. Creepy changing text is creepy. Creepy changing photos are creepy. Shouting dog? Not creepy.
Why is he still trying to do the scavenger hunt? Hasn't he figured out something's wrong? If you want him to keep going, you need to dole out the "oh shit!" moments a bit more carefully, you just had a long string of impossible events and having him shrug them off makes him look crazy.
[Their eyes almost were nonexistence as Dez gasped in horror to see that some part of their bodies were not theirs, but just bones moving on their own. ]
This sentence is a mess. You should really get a beta reader.
["Why are you scared?" it spoke in a nasal tone. "I heard you liked the Mudkips." ]
And wow, infidel arcanine was killing the atmosphere, this is killing any interest I have in your story at all.
["Okay boy, this sound crazy, but whatever happened back there has to do with this stupid treasure hunt," Dez said not believing his own words. "Maybe if we find all of them, this will stop." ]
Wait what? He takes a picture of the gravestone, something bad happens. He takes a picture of the pokeball, something bad happens. Why would taking pictures of the rest of them improve matters?
Look, the point where the protagonist realizes what's going on is bad and wants to stop is pretty common in horror stories, and there's an established way of dealing with it - the protagonist tries to leave and finds it's impossible. For example, having established that the physical world is mutable, he tries to backtrack and finds he can't - anything from plants having grown over the path to massive chasms that block the way.
Or, for more subtlety, instead of the introduction to the game saying he could quit any time, have it set up that you can't leave until you find all the things, for whatever reason. Maybe the gate is locked or something and he's told he'll get the key when he's done, or maybe the scavenger hunt follows a set path and the way out is at the other end. Or, since the pokemon seem to be chasing him, he could even reason he couldn't backtrack for risk of hitting them - although why he'd keep taking pictures in that case is beyond me.
...and then somehow it works. Look, it's really annoying to have characters just pull the right solution out of thin air. It's annoying that they somehow know it'll work, because it reads like you couldn't be bothered to think about what your character's reasoning would be, you just decided you wanted it to happen so the character did it.
Ugh, and then we get the lame "all just a dream ending" followed by the even lamer followup "or was it????"
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6439623/1/NonLinear_Time
[My left eye shows me the sun as it once was - nothing but glittering space dust in an endless sea of darkness. But then I see the dust begin to gather together and glow brightly - the sun is born, and the rest of the solar system is soon to follow. It is a brief (though I know that this process actually took eons), but beautiful scene.
But my right eye shows the opposite; it shows the sun as old and decrepit, hanging in the sky above a barren landscape. I see it suddenly turn as red as blood. Is see its redness fill the entire sky...and then I see the land burnt to nothingness by it. I then see it cast off its redness and become a tiny white speck before burning out forever.]
Yeah, I find that concept terribly depressing too.
I feel you could have developed this further, but it works and does give a much creepier feel to the pokedex entry. Entropy is much worse than any particular disaster.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6440733/1/Ghostly_Film
I like this. The relationship between the two is sweet in its way.
The way he can't tell the two apart at all strikes me as forced though - it'd work a bit better if Lyra wasn't talking to him or at least sounded similar (you can't do anything about their looks, and I guess it works on a certain meta level). I'm also confused about why Red is this crazy - I was assuming something to do with Kris's death, but it seems he wasn't involved at all and had no idea.
Not sure why Green never told him or why he's surprised Red wouldn't assume Kris was dead - it's not like people generally assume their friend is dead, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6441361/1/Wake_Up
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don't write thoughts with quotation marks.
And yup, so he's the killer. That was kind of easy to see coming. The conversation with Spiritomb goes on too long and it's pretty dull stuff - and their motive really doesn't make sense, they seem to be more randomly murderous than trying to get revenge on him in particular.
So yeah, horror is better written on average, whatever that means.
Some of that is kind of by default - a lot of these lacked dialogue, so there wasn't any chance to fuck it up. And I suspect if I read a lot of them I'd get as sick of vague creepy stuff that in the end doesn't add up to anything coherent as I do of eevee starters. But mechanically, these were much better on average than when I did a straight run through of the category.
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no subject
Date: 2010-11-01 06:06 am (UTC)Ugh, that was inane.
Similarly, there appears to be no escape from pointless fluffy OOC shipfic, regardless of what genre you filter by. That... really should not be the case.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-01 10:30 pm (UTC)In fairness if you're doing something where the joke is that the OOC stupid would horrify the character it's inevitable, but...you need to do more than just write OOC stupid and tag on at the end "and then the character woke up!"
Come to think of it, execution was a general problem with these. A lot of people were using a particular horror trope and fumbling it somehow.