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farlaEarly Arrival (Slick (Snowman))
I feel like this is too abrupt - Slick suddenly realizing killing her is an option, her suddenly sitting there waiting for him - but the rest of it is solid and well thought out, and I really like how you write the two of them.
Prospitian Monarch
Art.
Overcompensating (Droog (Snowman))
You write a very convincing Droog, and I like the dynamic between the three of them.
He knows he's better in bed than Slick, but girls would rather go home with the angry runt than with Droog.
Does he mean girls in general, or is he just thinking of Snowman here?
Proxy (Slick (Droog, Snowman))
"I'm not your woman," Snowman butts in
This is somehow just hilarious after Droog's monologue last story and Slick's monologue this time. Your effort is wasted, Snowman, they can't hear you over the sound of their dicks.
Tantrum (DD (SS, HB, CD))
John Stared At The Horror Before Him. (John (Jack))
Eh, 'it was all just a video game' is up there with 'it was all just a dream'. It's just not an interesting twist by itself.
Hope Springs Eternal (Eridan (Sollux, Feferi, Kanaya, Gamzee, Nepeta, Jack))
You’re halfway to blasting her and calling it done when you remember her mention of the Matriorb. You force yourself to relax a bit, gesture towards the Matriorb and say, “Look, Kan. You havve more important things to wworry about, right?”
It's not capitalized, and Eridan was always planning on exploding it - remember, he was upset Kanaya hadn't told him about it earlier. He needs a reason not to do that as well.
I feel like you're relying too much on the angels dragging Eridan around. I think it'd have been more interesting to have one point of change - Eridan can't quite give in to despair, so he can't go through with killing Feferi, Kanaya and the matriorb and runs off instead, finding Gamzee by chance, and deciding to do the rest on his own rather than because it's being fed to him piece by piece. The power range of the wands is never specified beyond that it's pretty impressive, so maybe with that and hope powers he might be able to win somehow - and it'd be a more meaningful battle if, again, it was him and not mostly the angels.
Chapter 2: Making Things Better (Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya (The rest of the trolls))
That was cute, all of them running around being themselves without any further murder or even maimings.
Storytime (Slick (Karkat))
"Uh, okay. A long time ago, in, um, a galaxy far, uh, far away, there was this princess on this spaceship . . ."
This kind of thing always strikes me as lazy and kind of pandering. It can be good if the idea is that they've actually seen the movie and then they're putting their own twist on it as they tell it, but just Slick making up a story that's Star Wars - well, why would he? What does this tell us about how him? Why would he have any investment in a story about how an unlikely hero from the middle of nowhere joined the rebellion and became allies with giant teddy bears while the outlaw pilot learned the value of goodness and they took down the evil empire together when he could be telling a story about how a high ranking member of the evil empire kicked the queen out and ruled with an even bigger iron fist?
I like the rest of the fic, though. You write Slick as properly misanthropic while not quite so much it strains plausibility that Karkat hasn't been stabbed to death yet.
Sperl (OC (Jack))
Me again! At least this time I'm not hurting my precious ratio, although I am writing more Jack. He's so easy. You just take rage and add a dash of stabs.
Sn0wmom Knows Best (Terezi (Snowman))
“Just fine, mom.
Needs a capital letter.
Snowman makes a surprisingly good mother, and you do a good job with the whole of this - Terezi's relatively in tune with her feelings but not overly wise, and the whole conversation feels very natural.
Slick (Snowman)
Droog (Snowman)
Slick (Droog, Snowman)
DD (SS, HB, CD)
John (Jack)
Eridan, Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya (The rest of the trolls)
Slick (Karkat)
OC (Jack)
Terezi (Snowman)
Two of nine
I feel like this is too abrupt - Slick suddenly realizing killing her is an option, her suddenly sitting there waiting for him - but the rest of it is solid and well thought out, and I really like how you write the two of them.
Prospitian Monarch
Art.
Overcompensating (Droog (Snowman))
You write a very convincing Droog, and I like the dynamic between the three of them.
He knows he's better in bed than Slick, but girls would rather go home with the angry runt than with Droog.
Does he mean girls in general, or is he just thinking of Snowman here?
Proxy (Slick (Droog, Snowman))
"I'm not your woman," Snowman butts in
This is somehow just hilarious after Droog's monologue last story and Slick's monologue this time. Your effort is wasted, Snowman, they can't hear you over the sound of their dicks.
Tantrum (DD (SS, HB, CD))
John Stared At The Horror Before Him. (John (Jack))
Eh, 'it was all just a video game' is up there with 'it was all just a dream'. It's just not an interesting twist by itself.
Hope Springs Eternal (Eridan (Sollux, Feferi, Kanaya, Gamzee, Nepeta, Jack))
You’re halfway to blasting her and calling it done when you remember her mention of the Matriorb. You force yourself to relax a bit, gesture towards the Matriorb and say, “Look, Kan. You havve more important things to wworry about, right?”
It's not capitalized, and Eridan was always planning on exploding it - remember, he was upset Kanaya hadn't told him about it earlier. He needs a reason not to do that as well.
I feel like you're relying too much on the angels dragging Eridan around. I think it'd have been more interesting to have one point of change - Eridan can't quite give in to despair, so he can't go through with killing Feferi, Kanaya and the matriorb and runs off instead, finding Gamzee by chance, and deciding to do the rest on his own rather than because it's being fed to him piece by piece. The power range of the wands is never specified beyond that it's pretty impressive, so maybe with that and hope powers he might be able to win somehow - and it'd be a more meaningful battle if, again, it was him and not mostly the angels.
Chapter 2: Making Things Better (Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya (The rest of the trolls))
That was cute, all of them running around being themselves without any further murder or even maimings.
Storytime (Slick (Karkat))
"Uh, okay. A long time ago, in, um, a galaxy far, uh, far away, there was this princess on this spaceship . . ."
This kind of thing always strikes me as lazy and kind of pandering. It can be good if the idea is that they've actually seen the movie and then they're putting their own twist on it as they tell it, but just Slick making up a story that's Star Wars - well, why would he? What does this tell us about how him? Why would he have any investment in a story about how an unlikely hero from the middle of nowhere joined the rebellion and became allies with giant teddy bears while the outlaw pilot learned the value of goodness and they took down the evil empire together when he could be telling a story about how a high ranking member of the evil empire kicked the queen out and ruled with an even bigger iron fist?
I like the rest of the fic, though. You write Slick as properly misanthropic while not quite so much it strains plausibility that Karkat hasn't been stabbed to death yet.
Sperl (OC (Jack))
Me again! At least this time I'm not hurting my precious ratio, although I am writing more Jack. He's so easy. You just take rage and add a dash of stabs.
Sn0wmom Knows Best (Terezi (Snowman))
“Just fine, mom.
Needs a capital letter.
Snowman makes a surprisingly good mother, and you do a good job with the whole of this - Terezi's relatively in tune with her feelings but not overly wise, and the whole conversation feels very natural.
Slick (Snowman)
Droog (Snowman)
Slick (Droog, Snowman)
DD (SS, HB, CD)
John (Jack)
Eridan, Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya (The rest of the trolls)
Slick (Karkat)
OC (Jack)
Terezi (Snowman)
Two of nine
