Summer Starts
Jun. 18th, 2004 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaSchool is now unofficially out. Finally! I can spend days playing video games for twelve hours straight, sleep during daylight hours, screw with the computer, and, of course, write.
Speaking of writing, based on the response here and elsewhere, it seems like Ice's story will be the next one for me to write.
So, dear bored readers, here are two story bits. Anyone who points out a mistake or something that could be better gets a cookie.
"Damn vermin!" The man kicked it, hard, then walked away.
The child crawled over. She stared at it, entranced by the brilliant scarlet color of the blood, glistening like wet rubies in the dim light, and the shiny round black eyes staring outward, devoid of any emotion. She crawled closer, hanging over it. She had only seen the flash of tails and hind legs before, vanishing like the end of a worm sucked into the beak of a bird. Yet they were going to safety, while the worm was going to die. She didn't understand exactly how it could work differently.
She knew this one was hurt badly. She did not know, exactly, what it looked like normally, but she did know that its body looked wrong somehow. As she sat watching it, she became aware of small noises around her, scrabblings she recognized and had heard many times before, although she could not remember the first time.
"Hello," she said, not moving, still staring at the twitching rattata . "Hello. Is this yours?" She tried again, twisting at her voice, trying to find the sound they would react to. "One of yours? Is this one of yours?"
One of them, only one, chittered at her, angry but something else too, more that than angry, something else she didn't know.
"I didn't," she said, not so much a denial as a simple statement. Her voice was still twisting.
Chittering, more than one this time. Not warning, not danger, just...what? She didn't know what it meant.
"I think it's going to die," she continued, conversationally, trying to get the pitch and rhythm right. "I'm not sure. Is it? I'd think you'd know."
More chittering, purposeful. She listened, repeating the sounds over and over in her head.
...dying...something about that. The rattata was dying. But not an answer to the question, a...something. She...resentment, anger. Over...the rattata...dying? No, no, not...quite.
It was hard to tell, not a matter of only hearing a few words but of half-hearing them all. And even then, it was as if they had different meanings depending on something else. She felt frustrated.
The other rattata was saying – why she...killed it? No. Why she...didn't kill it?
"What?" she asked, trying to imitate the rhythm of the sounds. It chittered again.
Why she didn't kill it? No. Why had she and then not? No. Why she had...no. Why it was still alive? No. Why it was still alive when she had killed it?
The hidden rattata chittered a third time, almost the same yet different, subtly. Almost a demand.
Why she didn't kill it after she killed it? No, not quite, not at all. Why she...it...
She reached out and snapped the neck of the injured rattata, breaking it like a dry twig between her fingers. Why had she killed it and not let it die.
Silence, silence. She didn't know what they were doing or about to do, and she couldn't see them, because they wouldn't venture out even in darkness that should have hidden them from anyone's eyes. But – and this was something strange, something rare – she didn't feel like they were, or could be, anything dangerous to her.
“I heard you’re been causing trouble.”
She was sitting on a chair with her hands under her. She stared at him, her face blank. She didn’t answer. She could see he was supposed to be calm, unruffled, and could see just as clearly that he wasn't.
He was coming undone in front of her. She was doing something wrong, something strange, something that was unnerving him, slowly eroding his façade. She didn’t know what that was. What did he want her to do? She wanted to know. She didn’t want to cause something without realizing what she was doing.
“A lot of people are dead.”
How did he think she should act? What was he expecting, that she was failing to do?
Silence.
“We can’t just have agents killing each other, you know.”
She opened her mouth. “I explained this already,” she said again.
“How can you expect us to believe you?” the man demanded. His face looked as if it was a clay mask, thin cracks forming in it as he spoke. His voice was corrupting from his starting calm, becoming angry. Yet – not anger exactly –
“But you do,” she said. “That’s not what this is about.”
Crack. The man hit the top of his desk with one balled fist. His eyes were starting to open too wide. He was angry. Yet somehow, the anger was just…another pretense under his pretense? “You’re just a child! You don’t know anything.”
She was confused. “You’re…afraid of me?” she asked uncertainly.
There were lines on his face. “No,” he said coldly. “No, I’m not. Don’t try to–”
His voice was wrong. “Because you–” she started.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he snapped. “You’re here because we want an explanation of what you think you’re doing. Because it seems you think you can just do whatever you fucking want.” His hand was shaking, behind the desk. She couldn’t see it, but she could hear it. His heart was beating too fast.
“You know I’m not just making it up. You know it isn’t unreasonable for this to have–”
“What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have known!” he yelled.
She stared at him quietly. What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have won!
He took a breath. She could almost hear him saying to himself, don't let a child get you upset like this. In a faintly strained but cold voice, he said, “I need a believable explanation.”
“There isn’t one,” she said, her voice soft, calm, but not working. Was there anything she could say? She didn't know. “I can’t think of an explanation you’d believe. Can you?”
“You’re saying – you just killed them?” He had the furrowed face of someone faintly surprised, not by the answer but by the response.
She shook her head, listening to the wood-on-wood scrape of an opening drawer. “No. I already gave the real explanation. You’re going to shoot me anyway.”
Eyes widened.
Bulged.
Fell.
Slice hopped onto the desk. {How long do you think they’ll keep ignoring this?} she asked. The sneasel bent to lap at the bloody stump.
“I don’t know,” the child said, watching the head stop rolling. “I don’t think anyone really cares. He didn’t.”
Not what you were expecting? A horrible waste of time that should never see the light of day? Too bland?
Speaking of writing, based on the response here and elsewhere, it seems like Ice's story will be the next one for me to write.
So, dear bored readers, here are two story bits. Anyone who points out a mistake or something that could be better gets a cookie.
"Damn vermin!" The man kicked it, hard, then walked away.
The child crawled over. She stared at it, entranced by the brilliant scarlet color of the blood, glistening like wet rubies in the dim light, and the shiny round black eyes staring outward, devoid of any emotion. She crawled closer, hanging over it. She had only seen the flash of tails and hind legs before, vanishing like the end of a worm sucked into the beak of a bird. Yet they were going to safety, while the worm was going to die. She didn't understand exactly how it could work differently.
She knew this one was hurt badly. She did not know, exactly, what it looked like normally, but she did know that its body looked wrong somehow. As she sat watching it, she became aware of small noises around her, scrabblings she recognized and had heard many times before, although she could not remember the first time.
"Hello," she said, not moving, still staring at the twitching rattata . "Hello. Is this yours?" She tried again, twisting at her voice, trying to find the sound they would react to. "One of yours? Is this one of yours?"
One of them, only one, chittered at her, angry but something else too, more that than angry, something else she didn't know.
"I didn't," she said, not so much a denial as a simple statement. Her voice was still twisting.
Chittering, more than one this time. Not warning, not danger, just...what? She didn't know what it meant.
"I think it's going to die," she continued, conversationally, trying to get the pitch and rhythm right. "I'm not sure. Is it? I'd think you'd know."
More chittering, purposeful. She listened, repeating the sounds over and over in her head.
...dying...something about that. The rattata was dying. But not an answer to the question, a...something. She...resentment, anger. Over...the rattata...dying? No, no, not...quite.
It was hard to tell, not a matter of only hearing a few words but of half-hearing them all. And even then, it was as if they had different meanings depending on something else. She felt frustrated.
The other rattata was saying – why she...killed it? No. Why she...didn't kill it?
"What?" she asked, trying to imitate the rhythm of the sounds. It chittered again.
Why she didn't kill it? No. Why had she and then not? No. Why she had...no. Why it was still alive? No. Why it was still alive when she had killed it?
The hidden rattata chittered a third time, almost the same yet different, subtly. Almost a demand.
Why she didn't kill it after she killed it? No, not quite, not at all. Why she...it...
She reached out and snapped the neck of the injured rattata, breaking it like a dry twig between her fingers. Why had she killed it and not let it die.
Silence, silence. She didn't know what they were doing or about to do, and she couldn't see them, because they wouldn't venture out even in darkness that should have hidden them from anyone's eyes. But – and this was something strange, something rare – she didn't feel like they were, or could be, anything dangerous to her.
“I heard you’re been causing trouble.”
She was sitting on a chair with her hands under her. She stared at him, her face blank. She didn’t answer. She could see he was supposed to be calm, unruffled, and could see just as clearly that he wasn't.
He was coming undone in front of her. She was doing something wrong, something strange, something that was unnerving him, slowly eroding his façade. She didn’t know what that was. What did he want her to do? She wanted to know. She didn’t want to cause something without realizing what she was doing.
“A lot of people are dead.”
How did he think she should act? What was he expecting, that she was failing to do?
Silence.
“We can’t just have agents killing each other, you know.”
She opened her mouth. “I explained this already,” she said again.
“How can you expect us to believe you?” the man demanded. His face looked as if it was a clay mask, thin cracks forming in it as he spoke. His voice was corrupting from his starting calm, becoming angry. Yet – not anger exactly –
“But you do,” she said. “That’s not what this is about.”
Crack. The man hit the top of his desk with one balled fist. His eyes were starting to open too wide. He was angry. Yet somehow, the anger was just…another pretense under his pretense? “You’re just a child! You don’t know anything.”
She was confused. “You’re…afraid of me?” she asked uncertainly.
There were lines on his face. “No,” he said coldly. “No, I’m not. Don’t try to–”
His voice was wrong. “Because you–” she started.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he snapped. “You’re here because we want an explanation of what you think you’re doing. Because it seems you think you can just do whatever you fucking want.” His hand was shaking, behind the desk. She couldn’t see it, but she could hear it. His heart was beating too fast.
“You know I’m not just making it up. You know it isn’t unreasonable for this to have–”
“What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have known!” he yelled.
She stared at him quietly. What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have won!
He took a breath. She could almost hear him saying to himself, don't let a child get you upset like this. In a faintly strained but cold voice, he said, “I need a believable explanation.”
“There isn’t one,” she said, her voice soft, calm, but not working. Was there anything she could say? She didn't know. “I can’t think of an explanation you’d believe. Can you?”
“You’re saying – you just killed them?” He had the furrowed face of someone faintly surprised, not by the answer but by the response.
She shook her head, listening to the wood-on-wood scrape of an opening drawer. “No. I already gave the real explanation. You’re going to shoot me anyway.”
Eyes widened.
Bulged.
Fell.
Slice hopped onto the desk. {How long do you think they’ll keep ignoring this?} she asked. The sneasel bent to lap at the bloody stump.
“I don’t know,” the child said, watching the head stop rolling. “I don’t think anyone really cares. He didn’t.”
Not what you were expecting? A horrible waste of time that should never see the light of day? Too bland?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Little orange with all that ice
Date: 2004-06-19 04:45 pm (UTC)"She could see he was supposed to be calm, unruffled, and just as clearly that he wasn't." You should probably add a "she could see that he wasn't" Could also delete "she asked" from the second last line.
Some of her discriptions of his feelings could be improved as well.
In the first story the "Hello. Is this yours?" was a bit confusing- could have added "one of yours" to show she was talking to the other Rattata's rather than to the dying Rattata.
How long do you think before you will be posting this? So far its pretty good.
Re: Little orange with all that ice
Date: 2004-06-19 05:54 pm (UTC)That's a good idea for the first line you mention, I'll edit. And 'she asked' is actually supposed to go with dialogue, I forgot I was using >< with that, so it doesn't show up. Slice is supposed to ask "How long do you think they’ll keep ignoring this?"
I'll see what I can do about the descriptions, but she really doesn't understand his emotions, so she's not very clear. The same thing happens in the first part when she's speaking. She's not sure why the rattata cares or even what it is.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-23 06:54 am (UTC)::Whimpers:: ::reads it three more times::
Why? Why don't I get it? It's probably because I have jet lag and I'm falling asleep at the computer, but it bothers me. Is it supposed to be kind of confusing or am I just slow...? Gahh!
Maybe it's because I was expecting something along the lines of "Why didn't she kill it instead of letting it die," or something like that. I am getting the sinking feeling that I am completely and utterly missing the point. Grrrr.. Maybe I'll come back and read it when I'm awake... Sorry for the density of my skull today...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-23 04:47 pm (UTC)And that was a very long explanation, wasn't it?
Attempts at analysis.....way off?
Date: 2004-06-23 07:03 pm (UTC)I see what you mean by an inhuman character. It's really fascinating to read about someone who is really twisted: who sees the world in a way that people around her cannot understand.
I reread it (again) and was really impressed by your effective use of description.
"the brilliant scarlet color of the blood, glistening like wet rubies in the dim light, and the shiny round black eyes...the flash of tails and hind legs before, vanishing like the end of a worm sucked into the beak of a bird."
>>I thought that this description revealed a little of Ice's mindset. It is at once childish, having a tone of fascination and curiosity; bloodthirsty, perhaps the words "rubies" suggesting the idea of blood, or shedding blood, as desirable or beautiful; and abnormal: using words and phrases of description that are normally not seen, Ice is already portrayed as an unusual or even abnormal character ----in just the first few lines.
Very very effective I thought. ^_^
Also, I felt that your portrayal of Ice's character was subtle but clear. Her actions and processes of thought neither pound the reader over the head nor allow him/her to skim by them. Subtle usage of diction (aka "twisting at her voice,") and the portrayal of her thoughts ("she didn't feel like they were, or could be, anything dangerous to her") shows that she is both twisted and sensitive, having a connection to the pokemon that others never bother to try.
*whew* that was probably way off. If it was, stop reading right here before I go on to the second one.
Re: Attempts at analysis.....pretty good!
Date: 2004-06-24 12:12 am (UTC)One of the interesting things about humans is that we're group animals. How many times have you winced when you saw something happen to someone else? But Ice seems to lack this. To her, the fact the rattata is dying doesn't produce empathy where she sees herself in its place, she's just interested in what's happening.. Although...empathy's supposed to kick in for things like you. So you might say humans are flawed when nonhumans trigger the same impulse. Who knows?
Re: Attempts at analysis.....pretty interesting
Date: 2004-06-24 12:59 pm (UTC)Its quite a unique concept, that Ice doesn't feel empathy for the pain of others and could make for interesting reading. Mostly when people try and do it, they suggest the character is just "evil" and doesn't care which makes them hard to emphasise with as no one is truly evil.
Is Ice a pure human or a hybreed or is this a mystery which will come out in the story?
Re: Attempts at analysis.....pretty interesting
Date: 2004-06-26 07:59 pm (UTC)Of course, there are some things that don't have these rules. Anything that doesn't live with others of its kind or take care of its young can lack them. And 'like me' rules tend to occur later in life as well.
It's hard to say if Ice lacks any form of empathy, or if it's that those around her are not things like her, or if it's just age. It could be a combination of things. But, following human rules, if humans aren't things like her, it's no more wrong for her to kill us than it is for us to kill her.
Whether or not Ice is a human in any way is a bit of a question. She's certainly not a pure human, as she lacks reflexive, instinctive behavior all humans have and has some physical differences, although exactly what she is (or even was) isn't clear. Her genetic lineage is entirely unknown. There are a lot of possibilities. She makes some effort to figure it out herself in the story.
Grrr...it has to be in *three* parts
Date: 2004-06-23 07:08 pm (UTC)"She could see he was supposed to be calm, unruffled, and could see just as clearly that he wasn't. He was coming undone in front of her."
>>>This passage already suggests that she is sensitive and perceptive of other's feelings, esp of defeat.
"She was doing something wrong, something strange, something that was unnerving him, slowly eroding his façade. She didn’t know what that was. "
>>>Because of her twisted viewpoint, Ice doesn't seem to realize that what unnerves the man is the fact that she does not feel even odd about killing her teammates, and is staring back unflinchingly at him, as if she has done nothing wrong.
"How did he think she should act? What was he expecting, that she was failing to do?"
>>>She is very....pragmatic is not the word but something close to that. She sees that the man is disturbed, and tries to sense what she must do, or is expected to do.
"His face looked as if it was a clay mask, thin cracks forming in it as he spoke."
>>>The clay mask Ice sees the man as having (might?) symbolize her perception of his pretension. She also sees that thin cracks are forming, and that he is being defeated. The man's mask is in contrast to Ice's blatantness (is that a word?); so far I have not noticed any sign of pretence on Ice's part.
"You’re…afraid of me?” she asked uncertainly."
>>>She seems to be reading the man almost like she "read" the rattata. I believe the man *is* actually afraid of her, and she feels it.
“What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have known!” he yelled.
She stared at him quietly. What’s unreasonable is the idea a brat like you could have won!"
>>>I think...This could mean one out of two things. 1) Ice sees the hidden meaning behind his words; she is able to read between the lines in a way that allows her to sense his subconscious thoughts. 2) Ice is too twisted or abnormal in her thinking to ever understand normal humans, and vice versa. While she can understand the rattata, she feels no such connection to people, and unconsciously twists their words.
(as this passage is out of context, I cannot see which one yet, but it will doubtless become clear as the story progresses.
“There isn’t one,” she said, her voice soft, calm, but not working. Was there anything she could say? She didn't know. “I can’t think of an explanation you’d believe. Can you?”
>>>Again (I know i already said this) in contrast the interrogator, Ice doesn't put up a facade. She knows her explanation wouldnt suit him, so she says so, instead of making up a lie.
ERgh....cont on next post
Still reading?> ^_^
Date: 2004-06-23 07:09 pm (UTC)Eyes widened.
Bulged.
Fell.
Slice hopped onto the desk. {How long do you think they’ll keep ignoring this?} she asked. The sneasel bent to lap at the bloody stump.
“I don’t know,” the child said, watching the head stop rolling."
>>>Okay, again Im seeing this out of context, but if I had to place a bet, I would say that the Slice is Ice's pokemon, and he killed the man, just as he was reaching for the gun to shoot Ice. He seems to have beheaded her. I liked the use of "fell." The reader expects that this is referring to someone's eyes "falling," as in giving a look of defeat. But as we see the rolling head, we realize that "fell" was used in the literal sense--that the eyes actually fell, along with his head, onto his desk. Ergh.
“I don’t think anyone really cares. He didn’t.”
>>>From this statement, I feel that Ice really does have the sensitivity to see into others in a way that normal humans cannot. Ironically, however, it seems like although she can sense their feelings, her abnormality prevents her from understanding them. For example, while she sees that the man in cracking, she seems to be confused as to why her actions are causing his discomfort.
::deep breath:: and I'm done.
Hello Farla? Still reading? Didn't think so ^_^
I'm sorry if this is completely off. I sometimes grossly misinterpret things, and if this is one case of that, do forgive me. Im sure normal readers will get it, even if I dont. ^_^
Very very very sorry at the length of this.
Re: Still reading?> ^_^
Date: 2004-06-24 01:05 am (UTC)Actually, the point of the last line is partially lost in the excerpt. It's supposed to explain why no one seems to be doing anything about Ice despite the growing number of dead. The reason no one realizes she's too dangerous and needs to be killed early is that no one cares. Rockets kill each other all the time and the bureaucrats are too busy selling secrets and blackmailing each other. Here, she was noticed not because of the deaths but because of the abnormal situation surrounding it (namely, that she's not dead herself).
One of the interesting things about this scene is the difference between what the reader perceives based on just his dialogue, and what she claims is happening. Seeing just his dialogue, it certainly seems he cares. And yet...
And the length is fine. I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the story.
Re: Grrr...it has to be in *three* parts
Date: 2004-06-24 12:47 am (UTC)She, in turn, is confused because she sees several layers of emotion and pretense, because she truly has no idea why he's bothering to talk to her when it doesn't seem like he wants her answers (or why he's bothering to pretend to be calm if she can tell he isn't), and because she's still struggling with the idea of fear.
And the clay mask...like a lot of the story, it's mildly surreal. It starts off like a metaphor, but the second half of the sentence makes it sound as if she's literally watching him start to crack apart. She starts to get mild visions/hallucinations when she's with the rockets as a child because there are too many psychics around. In this case it's not really definite if it is or isn't, but it's basically just indicative of how the man is starting to lose it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-24 07:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-24 08:13 am (UTC)"Ice noted his current and temporary placid mood. "Are you hungry, Fenris?" The answer was obvious, of course, but asking was a good way to get his attention. He stared at her, completely baffled.
A thought, and her Sneasels Pokeball popped open. Slice then vanished."
Then they must be connected.
I am immensely curious as to how they will be tied together.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-26 07:12 pm (UTC)